I received this email today from a dear, yet gullible, family member:

To all of my friends, I do not usually forward messages,But this is from my friend Pearlas Sandborn and she really is an attorney. If she says that this will work – It will work. After all,What have you got to lose?

SORRY EVERYBODY.. JUST HAD TO TAKE THE CHANCE!!! I’m an attorney, And I know the law. This thing is for real. Rest assured AOL and Intel will follow through with their promises for fear of facing a multimillion-dollar class action suit similar to the one filed by PepsiCo against General Electric not too long ago.

Dear Friends; Please do not take this for a junk letter. Bill Gates sharing his fortune. If you ignore this, You will repent later. Microsoft and AOL are now the largest Internet companies and in an effort to make sure that Internet Explorer remains the most widely used program, Microsoft and AOL are running an e-mail beta test.

When you forward this e-mail to friends, Microsoft can and will track it (If you are a Microsoft Windows user) For a two weeks time period.

For every person that you forward this e-mail to, Microsoft will pay you $245.00 For every person that you sent it to that forwards it on, Microsoft will pay you $243.00 and for every third person that receives it, You will be paid $241.00. Within two weeks, Microsoft will contact you for your address and then send you a check.

Regards. Charles S Bailey General Manager Field Operations
1-800-842-2332 Ext. 1085 or 904-1085 or RNX 292-1085
[mailto:Charles_Bailey@csx.com]Charles_Bailey@csx.com
[mailto:Charles_bailey@csx.com]Charles_bailey@csx.com

I thought this was a scam myself, But two weeks after receiving this e-mail and forwarding it on, Microsoft contacted me for my address and within days, I received a check for $24,800.00. You need to respond before the beta testing is over. If anyone can afford this, Bill gates is the man.

It’s all marketing expense to him. Please forward this to as many people as possible. You are bound to get at least $10,000.00. We’re not going to help them out with their e-mail beta test without getting a little something for our time. My brother’s girlfriend got in on this a few months ago. When i went to visit him for the Baylor/UT game. She showed me her check. It was for the sum of $4,324.44 and was stamped “Paid in full”

I didn’t even look this one up on Google because it was simply too ridiculous.

First of all, if Pearlas Sandborn really is an attorney, she is a very stupid one and we should all take a moment to pity anyone hapless enough to be her client.

Second, I work in network marketing. People, NOT EVEN BILL GATES has enough money to distribute in the way this email suggests. Every government economy in the world would have to pitch in to foot that bill.

And further, if Bill Gates did have that impossible amount of money – it’s pretty asinine to think that he would give it to YOU. Nobody is going to pay you to send emails unless you are a spammer and then you deserve to DIE. But you still won’t make that kind of money, even after the devil shows up to claim your soul.

Sheesh.

I learned something about my attention span tonight.

My husband and brother are in the living room watching Weatherman. I made it through the first 15 minutes of the movie and had to leave because sitting through it was just. too. painful.

I learned that a movie really has to have some semblance of a PLOT if I’m going to devote my time to it.

On the bright side, the memory upgrade for my laptop showed up today, so it no longer takes 15 minutes to start up my computer. Yay!

Not much of an update, just a lame teaser.

I didn’t post yesterday because it was a rather stressful day.   I’m not a Type A personality, so I generally don’t get stressed out about things too much…unless they concern my daughter.

Yesterday we got some … disturbing … news which could force us to make some difficult decisions in the very near future.   At the very least, it puts us in an uncomfortable limbo right now.  

Unfortunately, I don’t think it would be prudent for me to say much more than that at this time.

PS:   No, the “news” didn’t come from a doctor.

I think my cat is in heat. Lately there has been a male cat stalker outside our front door, howling his amorous advances into the wee hours of the morning until we chase him off with a squirt bottle.

And for the last two days J and I have looked over to see the dog attempting to…well, you know. To the cat.

The biggest problem with this scenario is that our cat has been neutered. And yes, I did mean to say “NEUTERED.”

We have a male cat. Who is apparently emitting some sort of female pheromones that every other male animal in the vicinity is picking up on.

“Maybe he’s gay.”
“A gay cat?”
“Sure. It would explain so many things about him. It happens in the animal kingdom sometimes.”
“Only with monkeys.”
“Well apparently he’s not the only one. That other cat comes by every night.”
“Great. We have an abundance of gay pu$sy in the neighborhood.”

(blink, blink) “…That is so going to be the title of my next blog entry.”

“I don’t even want to know about the pervert hits you’re going to get from Google with that.”

“I am ready to kill myself and eat my dog, if medicine prices here [insert website] are bad.”

Ok, show of hands from everyone who would ever consider buying medicine from a guy who threatens to eat his dog.

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Well, I unintentionally caused some family strife yesterday. I mean, my decision was fully intentional, I just didn’t mean for it to become a fiasco.

In the midst of all the stress of yesterday, I chose not to tell my parents about Kaelin’s fall until today. My mother has a tendency to freak out about things like that, especially when she is removed from the situation and feels helpless. I knew she wouldn’t get to see Kaelin until today, so I chose to keep her in the dark because I know she would go crazy worrying. I didn’t want her at the doctor or at my house yesterday because Kaelin just needed some quiet downtime to sleep.

Unfortunately, my plan backfired. While we were at the doctor’s my Sis-in-law called the house and the housekeeper answered the phone and told her what was going on. Naturally, she told my brother. Who told my mom.

And yes, she did freak out. To the point where she had to sit down and calm herself before she could pick up the phone. She was hurt beyond belief that I didn’t tell her myself immediately. By the time my dad got the story, Kaelin had cracked her head open and had a concussion and a black eye and had to be life-flighted to Children’s Medical.

My dad called, completely worried, and questioned us about everything – did we check her pupils? Did we look for lumps? Did the doctor see her? He also told us that Mom was totally offended because she thinks we don’t trust her ability to handle the situation.

WELL NO SHIT.

Pardon my French. (By the way, Spell Check doesn’t recognize the word “shit” – I don’t know why, but that amuses me)

Frankly, I just didn’t have the energy to deal with her yesterday in addition to all the stress I was already under. I was so exhausted from the ordeal that I fell asleep while playing with Kaelin on the floor. I didn’t need her telling me how concerned she was that Kaelin wasn’t getting proper care and was being neglected.

Nor did I need my mother in law suspecting that this was no accident, and that our nanny is really a child abuser. Fortunately, that one got filtered through J.

Mom showed up today fully expecting Kaelin’s face to be black and blue with dried blood in her hair. She did calm down once she saw that her baby wasn’t mortally wounded or brain damaged. But I did receive one of those emails this morning, in which she expressed her concern about negligence and Kaelin’s health. Usually Jens’ mom is the one that sends the dreaded email, but not today.

I’m relatively short-tempered today, so she got a Corporate Blow-Off for a reply. The cold and distant “Thank you for your opinion, we will keep that in mind” message that really means “I just permanently deleted your email.”

I guess you could say I’m indignant. That would be a true statement, I suppose. There are just some things that are NOT HELPFUL and just add extra stress and it bugs me when people act like that after the fact. Where was all the helpful advice BEFORE this happened. What, Mom? You didn’t see it coming either???

Well imagine that.

I can’t sleep. I know, it’s not exactly 2am or anything, but I usually revel in the ability to go to bed early. I have always had a talent for being able to sleep anytime, anywhere.

But for the past two nights, I have been unable to turn off my restless mind. I sound like a Lunesta commercial. Last night it was well into the night/early morning before I got any sleep.

Probably just leftover frustration/stress from the past days experiences, but it still irritates me. I may be able to explain it but I can’t control it. I guess that’s my problem.

And lack of sleep doesn’t exactly help the stress/frustration problem either.

My cat is trying to comfort me by digging his claws into my leg.

How sweet.

One of the problems with being a working mother is those damn phone calls. The kind that stop your heart.

“Hey, it’s me. We have…a problem.” Meanwhile, I hear Kaelin screaming in the background.

You can strap the baby in the bouncer, but you cannot strap the bouncer to the counter top, and hers had fallen off with her in it.

This particular bouncer has a very sticky rubber bottom, so sticky that I can’t even move it when I try to wiggle it on the counter. So nobody’s sure how, in a split second while the nanny turned her back to put the bottle in the warmer, the bouncer tumbled off the counter onto the floor. The only thing we can figure is that maybe one of the base corners wasn’t all the way on the counter.

Anyway, I was relieved to hear Kaelin crying, because at least that meant she was conscious. I grabbed my purse and headed home. Then came the next phone call.

“I’m having a hard time keeping her awake. Kaelin. Kaelin, wake up, sweetie. BUTTON. I’m trying to keep her awake in case she has a concussion or . But her eyes keep closing. Kaelin, WAKE UP HONEY. YOU HAVE TO STAY AWAKE”

I drove up to the front and we piled Kaelin into the car, with the Nanny in the back seat to keep her awake as long as possible. She succeeded until about 5 minutes before we reached the doctor’s office.

During the visit, Kaelin was virtually inconsolable. The only time she stopped crying was when I held her tight and let her bury her head in my neck. But of course, that isn’t too conducive to doctor examinations or x-rays, so she was in hysterics during much of the visit, as well as the subsequent trip to the diagnostic center.

The x-rays were negative for signs of fracture or trauma, so we’re home now. She finally took a bottle (for the first time in 7 hours) and went down for a nap. She’s been asleep for an hour, but I have to wake her up every 15 minutes to make sure there aren’t any signs of head-injury-induced-oversleeping. She’s exhausted and if I know her, she’ll be asleep for much of the rest of the day.

Wish I could be too.

She has a nice bruise developing on her cheek, but it doesn’t appear that she hit her head anywhere else – at least, the doctor couldn’t find any additional lumps or indication of injury.

So if we don’t see anything unusual in the next 48 hours, we can assume everything’s . And breathe a huge sigh of relief.

Dear Child Protection Services:

My name is Kaelin and today I was tortured and abused in my own house by my own mother. When I woke up significantly early this morning (due to difficulty breathing), she pulled me out of bed and carried me downstairs, where she repeatedly forced a dropper full of some absolutely appalling chemical concoction down my throat. Despite my energetic resistance, she managed this assault not 1, not 2, but THREE times, each when I was least expecting it. This attack was completely and utterly unprovoked.

When she had finished this blitzkrieg, she proceeded to ambush my face with a wet cloth in an effort to remove the green crust that I had spent the entire night accumulating in a thick layer around my nose. I screamed and cried out for help, but to no avail. When she had satisfied her sadistic tendencies with my face, she then moved on to my hands with a baby wipe.

At this point, I coughed up a huge loogie and half the medicine she had given me all over the place, and sneezed several more drippy boogers out just for effect. But she would not be deterred. She picked up the box of tissues and began wiping my nose and face until I thought I was surely going to die.

I did get one moment of consolation. Shortly after being placed into my rocking swing, I barfed up all my breakfast and as much medicine as possible, all over myself and the swing. I must admit that I did enjoy playing with the rubber ducky in the bath that followed. But that still does not remedy the situation. I need you at once to send some of your personnel out here and -

Dear Child Protective Services – as Kaelin’s Mom, I have been forced to finish this correspondence as the Benadryl has taken its effect and she has succumbed to slumber for the first time in several hours. However, since she can only breath when sitting upright, and has succeeded in soiling her rocking swing, I am holding her in my other arm as I type. Should you wish to send some of your personnel out here to take over the baby-holding shift for an hour or two, Please. Be. My. Guest.

* * *

Dear Pediatrician,

Thank you for your suggestions to my husband yesterday regarding living through the next few days with a sick baby.

We have initiated the Benadryl treatment and, though the application of said treatment can be hazardous, it does seem to be providing some relief. Namely in the form of sleep, which we could all use.

We regret to inform you, however, that we will be unable to carry out the squirting of saline solution up my daughter’s nose, and then the removal of such solution via the bulb-sucker-thingie. Unfortunately, you neglected to provide us with a prescription for the amount of Valium that would be required to sedate an active and unhappy baby to the point that she would consider allowing us to squirt water up her nose.

With best regards,
SMIT

* * *

Dear Bayer Company,

First, I would like to mention my disappointment with the recent discovery of your misrepresentation in advertising regarding your Flintstones Vitamins WITH IRON. But that really isn’t the point of this letter.

I am writing to ask your consideration in making a vitamin for parents of sick children. With the amount of children I see at the doctor’s office every time I go, I guarantee you would have no difficulty finding a profitable market for this product.

It should, of course, be chocolate flavored for therapeutic relief. I would also suggest including caffeine for all those late nights, early mornings and sleepless in-betweens. Steroids would be a good additive so that said parents could continue to hold their children upright through the entire night.

And you might want to throw in a little marijuana just for good measure.

I look forward to your development of such a product and appreciate your quick response.

Sincerely,
SMIT

This probably should have made it into the 6 weird things post, but I hate swallowing pills. It’s not that I’m afraid of them, or that I CAN’T swallow them. I just don’t like it.

Consequently, I take two chewable Flintstones vitamins every morning.

I’m also anemic. So when I was roaming the vitamins aisle yesterday and saw “Flintstones Vitamins: WITH IRON,” I immediately picked up a couple of bottles. See, in addition to hating pill-swallowing, I also have a daily maximum of pills, medicines and vitamins that I can convince myself to take (I know, I’m starting to sound like a real mental case). That daily limit right now has reached capacity with my Flintstones and birth control, so for whatever reason, taking my iron pills just doesn’t happen.

When I got home, I compared the new Iron chewables with the regular vitamins I had previously been taking (you know, I didn’t want to overdose on iron or anything) and found much to my shock and horror that Flintstones WITH IRON actually have LESS iron than the regular Flintstones I had been taking.

J says I have fallen victim to a marketing scheme. I say I have been lied to and now I am vexed. And the fact that they have added a new flavor (Wilma now comes in blueberry) makes no advance in my consolation.

I’ve been browsing some friends’ blogs who show pictures of their cute children all dolled up in their Easter attire.

Kaelin didn’t get an Easter dress this year. Because the store wanted FORTY DOLLARS for it. An important discovery was made that day: Contrary to popular belief, I DO have limits when it comes to clothing my daughter.

This came as a huge surprise to J, who is quite convinced that we could pay the mortgage off with the amount of clothes Kaelin has in her closet right now.

Regardless, she got to wear an outfit for Easter that (gasp) she had already worn before, which was ok really because we didn’t go to church anyway.

But make no mistake, sometime in the near future, I will be venturing back to Dillard’s to pick up that dress once it goes on sale. Maybe I’ll buy it in next year’s size.

What, like you thought I’d made a total reform in my clothing addiction? Silly Wabbit.

“So I found this new blog software that’s going to be really cool. I’ve been dissatisfied with my blog recently because-”

“Because that’s what you do.”

“Right. Wait…What?”

“You’re always dissatisfied with your blog for some reason.”

“Oh. Um. Well, this is going to help that.”

“For at least a day.”

“Yeah. Probably.”