I’ve got a new tenant – Baggage That Goes With Mine!

I got a lot of great offers and there were about 4 that I had a hard time choosing between, but I decided to go with Baggage because I discovered her recently and I’ve since developed a total crush on this blog.

She’s funny, she’s witty, she’s thoughtful and she’s full of life.

Want proof? Start with this post and this post. And then go read the current stuff.

And don’t forget to click over there at least once from the box on the side (—–>) because, you know, I get credit for that and stuff.

Blog Explosion is dreadfully behind in updating Thumbnails, so we might be stuck with the “No Thumbnail Available” sign for a while…don’t let that deter you. This is a must-read!

So I got this advertisement from National Car Rentals, trying to get me to sign up for the Emerald Club. On the front of the brochure is a picture of a cross-eyed woman with shampoo in her hair.

Does anyone see the connection there?

And in other news, did you know that if you start yelling at the automated telephone operator on Travelocity because it CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SEPTEMBER AND OCTOBER, that the Roaming Gnome gets on the line and starts telling you jokes?

ATO: To cancel your reservation, first give me the city and date of your planned trip so I can look up the record.

Me: (for the third time) Chicago, September 14th.

ATO: I’m sorry, I don’t see any trip planned for October the 14th. To try another date…

Me: SEPTEMBER. SEPTEMBER 14TH.

ATO: Ok. Main Menu. To make a reservation, say ‘Make a Reservation.’

Me: AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

Roaming Gnome: Hello. I ran into a chap the other day who was a watchmaker. I asked him how business was going. He said, ‘Great – where else can I get paid to sit around all day and make faces?’

ATO: Now that we’ve brighted your day, please choose from the following options…

I hate automated telephone operators.

Actually, the real question is, am I the only person on Earth still recovering after throwing up because of this???

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go visit Jane Loves Tarzan (my Guest Blog, over there —–>) to find out.

Until recently, I thought it was kind of silly for moms to write letters to their small children, who were obviously too young to understand such things, much less read them. I know there’s the wishful thinking that one day the child will delve into the archives of her mother’s blog, cherishing every word. I don’t hold out a lot of hope for that. I’m fairly certain that once you’re of the age where you would even remotely consider such things, this blog will no longer exist.

But I have been enlightened as of late, to a more compelling reason to direct this correspondence to you, Button. You see, there are so many things I want to tell you every day, so many lessons I want to share with you, but am unable because face it, I could be speaking ancient Egyptian for all you know.

So perhaps if I write down these conversations, it will at least pacify my need to communicate to you…even if it’s only in my imagination.

You stay busy each day learning about the world you live in. You walk/run/bustle/flap all over the house during the day, chasing the dog and cat, playing with toys, trying to make a getaway up the stairs. I wish you didn’t think it was such a game. The other day you made it up 4 steps before I realized the gate was not in place. With each step you looked at me and banged on the stair as if to get my attention. Once achieved, and you saw me running in your direction, you let out a laugh and excitedly tried to climb further up the stairs before I caught you.

You love being caught. You totally miss the point of “chase” games. You see it coming and you get all excited…and then you run right into my arms. It kind of defeats the purpose.

Your spacial navigation skills are improving. I think you’ve finally figured out that you are 3″ taller than the space under the kitchen table. Today you actually started ducking, rather than plowing into it.

You still haven’t mastered the concept of walking around anything. Taking the most direct route possible, you either trip or climb over stuff to get to your destination. You’re the only baby in your age group at the Church nursery that is walking, and since you don’t veer around anything, you spend your nursery time tripping over and stepping on all the other babies that are sprawled all over the floor. My apologies to their parents.

I’m not sure how to convince you that there is no nutritional value in carpet. And while geckos may provide some degree of protein, they’re really lacking in calcium. Dog food seems to be your favorite obsession and you will do anything you can to get your hands in it. The next time I can’t get you to eat your banana, I think I’ll try putting it in a bowl on the floor.

Please stop pulling things out of the bathroom trashcans.

5:45am is not Morning. It is, therefore, not an acceptable time to wake up and start the day. Particularly after waking up approximately ever hour and a half during the night for no apparent reason. Morning doesn’t start until at least 7:00am – please make a note of that and adjust your schedule accordingly.

Please stop pulling things out of my office trashcan.

You love books. It’s so much fun to read to you and watch you study the pages. Reading is the only thing that will keep you in one place while you’re awake. I do wish they made baby books that were longer than 3 pages though, as it does get a bit monotonous reading the same 5 words over. and over. and over. again.

Itsy-Bitsy Spider is the best song in the world. I have no idea why. What that Spider has over Little Bunny Foo Foo is beyond me. Yesterday we did Head & Shoulders, Knees & Toes for the first time. I can tell you like it only because you let me manipulate your hands to the motions. And for some reason you really love people touching your face, so you lean forward and stick your tongue out for “Eyes and Ears and Mouth and Nose.”

Please stop pulling things out of the recycle bin.

You love Cheerios. I love Cheerios. FINALLY there is something to keep you busy during restaurant visits that doesn’t include heating up a bottle or walking around the restaurant bouncing you up and down. For some reason you’ve always had very little patience for toys in restaurants. But Cheerios…they are God’s gift to the hungry parent who just wants five minutes to eat what she ordered.

I do not like this habit you’ve developed recently of spitting your food out when you’re done eating. If you don’t want anymore, you don’t have to put it in your mouth. But to open your mouth, accept a spoon full of squash, and then promptly spit it all over the place to signal that you’re done is really. really. really. frustrating. We’re going to have to work on the communication in this area.

Please stop pulling fuzz off the cat tree and stuffing it in your mouth.

You have your own language now. It basically consists of 4 words: Bah, Bwhah, Dooh and Ma. And what versatile words they are. I think Bah-Bah is Bottle, and I’m pretty sure that Ma-Ma is me…And Dooh (the o’s are pronounced like “book”) seems to be the cue for “do that again” but other than that I’m completely in the dark. That doesn’t stop me from enjoying your rambles though as you trapse around the house with your finger in your mouth and your other hand waiving about in the air.

Peek-a-boo behind the sheer window curtains is one of your favorite games. Just so you know, it’s kind of cheating when you can see through the curtains. But the amount of pleasure you derive from it makes it worth it.

Ever since you could stand, you’ve made a tradition out of leaning yourself against the glass door throughout the length of my shower. Sometimes this makes it very difficult to get OUT of said shower. Recently I made the mistake of letting you crawl into the shower with me. You had the time of your life playing with the stream of water and your rubber ducky. And now it has become an obsession. The other day you cried yourself into hysterics for a good half hour because I would not open the shower door for you. I’ve created a monster.

You’ve learned how to turn the TV in the bedroom on. And off. And ON. And OFF. AND ON. AND OFF. AND PLEASE STOP THAT ALREADY!

Please stop plucking fur off the cat and stuffing it in your mouth.

Please stop whipping around and smearing snot all over my work clothes while I’m in the process of wiping your nose.

And please stop growing up so fast. I can hardly keep up. It’s fascinating to see you reach a new level of awareness each day, but at the same time it’s totally intimidating. Sometimes I have no idea what to do with you. Each new step is uncharted territory and I’m improvising as things come along. One day we’ll probably both look back at what an idiot I was and wonder how in the world you turned out to be so normal. I hope that’s the case.

Anyway, I love you and I wish you understood that when I say it to you. One day you will.

Love Always,
Mama

I have this post saved in my Drafts folder that was inspired by my guest blogger, Jane. But I’m having a harder time writing it than I thought I would. So there it sits.

In the meantime, a question for the forum…Is it bad that yesterday my daughter pooped out a rather large mass of carpet?

In other news, my lawyer called today.   He said he got my court date rescheduled.   He told me I had 2 warrants out for my arrest for not showing up at court.   Then he said he was kidding.

I told him where he could put his joke.

I don’t usually get on the soap box about issues in politics and religion. I’ll probably get hate mail for this one. But one of the things that drives me up the wall is the hypocrisy I see on a consistent basis when it comes to tolerance and living amiably in a society full of differences.

I was really disappointed today in another blogger. I read her blog regularly and though she and I disagree on some issues, that has never stopped me from enjoying her writing.

Today, however, she wrote a post on how terribly offended she was by an online store that placed a Bible verse on the checkout page of their website. She went on and on, whining about how indecent that was for them to force their religion on her, and how she would never shop there again because of their lack of respect for other people.

And all I could think was, Oh grow up and get over it already. What, did your eyes shrivel up and fall out of your head because you SAW a Bible Verse?

If simply being exposed to another religion and just looking at a piece of their belief system, is that offensive to you, then a) your worldview is too small and your head is stuck up your own butt, and b) you have no business living in a country built on freedom of religion.

There is the misconception going around that freedom of religion equals freedom from religion. That is entirely impossible. If you are granting citizens the right to their religion, you can’t turn around and force them to censor it and keep it in their closets in case anybody else might SEE.

While you have the right to believe and practice anything you choose, you do NOT have the right to expect censorship of others, just to keep yourself from being exposed to it. To imply otherwise is absurd.

You have the right to choose your religion. You have the right to choose no religion. You do NOT have the right to be offended that other people are believing, practicing and displaying their own beliefs in a country that gave them that right, and it is not going to kill you to witness it every once in a while.

Nobody is forcing you to participate. By displaying a verse, nobody is shoving you down on your knees and pushing a Koran into your hand. You’re simply witnessing the fact that other religions exist and there are people who profess them.

It simply comes with the territory and if you don’t have enough tolerance to be exposed to that kind of thing, consider either moving to a country without freedom of religion, or one in which everybody has the same religion as you do.

If you choose not to shop at a store that hangs a Star of David in the window, fine. You certainly have that option. But don’t pretend to be the “Victim” and try to hide behind accusations of insensitivity and lack of respect, when the only real issue is your own narrow-minded intolerance and oversensitivity.

Can’t sleep. My Mad about the recent Municipal Court adventure has now extended to my lawyer, and rather than getting some much-needed sleep, my brain would rather stay up and make a list of reasons why he’s an ass. An incompetent one at that.

Anyway, I’ve decided to try the ever popular Blog Explosion Rent My Blog campaign, where every week I get to highlight another blog and tell you all why you need to go visit THAT BLOG. Because you do.

So I was pleased as punch (sorry, my Southern comes out after midnight) when I got a bid from Jane at Jane Loves Tarzan. I have been reading Jane’s blog for quite some time now and it has been a very eye-opening experience for me. She openly struggles with bipolar and I have followed her growth and turmoils for the last several months.

AND SERIOUSLY, she can do one heck of a FOAD posting! Actually, Jane is the one who introduced me to FOAD, hence my recent entry. (See, Jane? See what you’ve done???) Incidentally, it was quite therapeutic. And her weekly FOAD specials never fail to entertain me.

So go visit! She’s worth it! (And send her some chocolate!…And while you’re at it, send me some chocolate too.)

“I’m trying to be better about actually finishing the bottles of water I open, so if you see any of my half-drunk bottles laying around, let me know.”

“Your mom’s half-drunk and laying around.”

Ha.   Five years of marriage and I’ve still got it.

Everyone in this family seems to have a few minor OCD issues. Well, except my dad, who has major OCD issues. But anyway, J can’t stand having dishes in the left side of the sink. I sort my M&Ms by color. And Kaelin has this thing about making sure all the doors are closed on this toy.

It takes her a few minutes to go about shutting said doors, so whenever I need a moment of time to myself to finish sending an email or something, I push all the buttons and pull all the switches so that every door is gaping open and every barnyard animal is staring her in the face with defiance.

She immediately sets about the task.   Click-”Goodbye Horse.”   Click-”Goodbye Cow.”   Click-”Goodbye Rooster!”   Except there’s a short in the dog part that sometimes makes the few moments of “peace” entirely not worth it.

“Goodbye Dog!   Hello Dog!   Goodbye-Hello-Good-Good-Good-Hello Dog!   Hello-Hello-Hell-Hell-Hell-Hello Dog!”   Sometimes you can just be walking into an empty room and be accosted by “HELLO DOG!”   Sometimes we’ll all be sound asleep in the middle of the night and be startled awake by “GOODBYE DOG!” coming from downstairs.

The nice part is that her obsession is with the doors, not with the reward of hearing the toy talk when she closes them.   We recently found the “Off” switch and Dog has had a gag in his mouth ever since.

For those of you who have been reading this blog regularly, you know that I am not an avid FOAD Thursday poster. Actually, until today I have been a FOAD virgin (saving for someone special, y’know?). But today I reached my wit’s end and decided to dedicate a very thoughtful FOAD posting to EVERY GOVERNMENT/AUTHORATIVE AGENCY IN THE ENTIRE CITY IN WHICH I LIVE.

Save yourselves from the hellhole. Don’t move here. Now before we get to today, let’s take a walk down memory lane…

FOAD to the DMV whose incompetent employees wasted FIVE MONTHS of my life trying to get a stupid Texas driver license. You can view the history here, here, and here.

FOAD to the Police Officer who told me I was a liar and issued me a ticket for cutting a corner even though:

• I had no motive to cut that corner (I don’t turn there to get to work)
• I wasn’t intending to cut the corner (I was in the parking lot looking for a Starbucks)
• I didn’t cut the corner (I was still in the parking lot when he gave me the ticket)
• Had I wanted to LIE to get out of the ticket, I would have taken the opportunity he GAVE ME when he said, “I’m pulling you over for cutting a corner – did you not know that was illegal?”
• He clearly wasn’t watching me (His defense for calling me a liar was “You headed straight over here when you pulled into the parking lot,” to which I responded, “NO, if you were watching me you saw me go all the way to the end of the aisle,” to which he said, “Yes, and then you turned and came this way.” What the hell was I supposed to do, keep driving until I plowed through the building??? In addition, the car that was behind me in the intersection got pulled over in FRONT of me in the parking lot…how would that happen if I was making a bee-line to the other side?)

Thanks for wasting my time and money, Bastard.

FOAD to the Municipal Court that says one thing and does another, thinks it’s SO SPECIAL that it doesn’t have to operate by the same standards as EVERY OTHER Municipal Court in the world, and insists on hiring incompetent employees just because they need people who speak Spanish. An extra FOAD to said incompetent employee who told me something different (and wrong) every time I talked to her. Again, thank you for wasting my valuable time being assholes.

And FOAD to the DA who, just to twist the knife a little deeper, has decided to reopen and prosecute me for my deferred speeding ticket from forever ago that should have been dropped from my record completely because I paid for the deferral. Evidently, he thinks it’s legitimate due to the fact that I was issued a citation during my deferrment (see FOAD Police Officer above) that I shouldn’t have been issued, that I have not pleaded guilty to, and that has not been resolved. The entire point of holding off on my court date until NOW was to avoid this kind of thing.

I was so fed up today (see Other Post) that I came down with a headache the size of Montana and a case of IBS. And I don’t have IBS. Stupid shits.

I nearly lost my mind today. As mentioned previously, I have quite honestly never come so close to going postal on a customer service person. In fact, I believe the only thing that gave me enough motivation to hold it in was the security guy in the corner wearing the guns.

The whole thing started when my attorney called this morning. He was going to appear for me this morning at 9am and had discussed with the court the possibility that he would be delayed by another case, so to hold a 1:30pm opening as well, just in case he couldn’t make the first appointment. They had agreed.

When he showed up at 9am, he was told that the court time had been MOVED to 1:30pm, evidently some clerk error, because that was not what had been discussed. The judge would not see him at 9am because he no longer had a court appointment for that time.

So he filed the papers for a rescheduling because he would be unable to make the 1:30pm appointment time, as his schedule had been arranged such that he would be across town at that time. He called me and told me to show up for the 1:30 appointment, that he wouldn’t be there, but it would be unneccessary because the only thing happening was that the judge was “signing off” on the extension request. All I had to do was listen to the verdict and call him to let him know when the rescheduled time was.

So I show up at the court, take my seat, and the (clerk? I don’t know who he was) came out and called a bunch of names. Everyone around me went inside, but I’m not worried because I’m half an hour early. Then he asks me if I’m waiting for my lawyer.

“No, he said he didn’t need to be here.”

“He has to be here. The judge won’t speak to you without a lawyer.”

“But he told me just to show up, that it wasn’t required for him to be here for this.”

“He has to be here. Once you’re represented by a lawyer, the judge doesn’t speak to you without him present. Get on the phone and tell him to get his butt up here.”

So I call Steve.

“They’re telling me you have to be here.”

“No, they’re wrong. Just tell them that I was already there and filed for a Continuation. They’ll know.”

By this time the (clerk?) has gone back into the courtroom. I ask the security guy if he’s planning to come back out, that I need to tell him something. Security Guy directs me to the window.

Yes, the “take a number and wait 5 hours” window.

So I take my number and wait. When I get to the window, I explain the situation to the employee.

“Your lawyer has to be here.”

“But he filed paperwork this morning for a Continuation. He told me he didn’t need to be here for that, that I was just to come in and get the result.”

“Let me look up your account.”

She looks up my info and proceeds to tell me that my about something being filed yesterday and makes a comment about both my tickets. Both??? There should only be one ticket.

She then prints off a page stating that my court date has been set for September 19. I look at the top of the page.

“I don’t think this is right. It says it’s for a speeding ticket. I don’t have a speeding ticket. My ticket is for cutting a corner.”

“You don’t have a speeding ticket?”

“No. I had a speeding ticket a long time ago, but it’s been taken care of. It shouldn’t even show up on my record because I deferred it and that’s over.”

She goes away for a while getting clarification and comes back to tell me that she fixed it. But that I still have two outstanding tickets. What did she fix?

“What I’m trying to find out is on the OTHER ticket. My lawyer filed a Continuance. I’m trying to find out the results of THAT.”

“I don’t see anything on the other ticket. That court date was still set for today at 1pm. He has to be here for that.”

“But he told me he DIDN’T have to be here because he filed a Continuance.”

“No, he was here this morning. He stood at my window and I told him he had to be here today, that it was very important that he be here at 1PM.”

“So he has to be here for me to find out the result of the Continuance request?”

“Yes. I don’t show any records that it has been decided yet, so I can’t tell you.”

“But that’s what I’m here for. So that the judge can DECIDE. That’s what he’s supposed to do during my court time.”

“But he won’t see you without your lawyer.”

So I call my lawyer. Which means I have to get out of line because Window Lady won’t talk to me if I’m on my cell phone. Lawyer tells me that what they’re saying is wrong, that if they’re going to be idiots about it, I should just leave because I can’t do more than try. And that there will be a record that I did in fact show up, and that nobody would see me.

“Will I get in trouble for leaving without seeing the judge or anything?”

“No, you don’t have to see the judge. The worst that could happen is that they’ll issue a warrant for your arrest. But we can easily have that reversed.”

A warrant for my arrest? That makes me feel a LOT BETTER. Here I am just trying to get something resolved correctly, doing everything I’m told to do, and now I’m afraid that the cops are going show up at work and drag me away in handcuffs to the Police Station.

And we all know how I feel about the local Police force. The overstaffed police force (I can’t go to the mailbox without seeing a patrol car drive by) whose members jump at any and every opportunity to do a little fundraising (the other day I saw TWO cop cars pulling over one speeder), but for some reason take HALF AN HOUR to get on the scene when a truck driver hit-and-runs a motorcyclist (I should note that you can get anywhere in this little city in 10 minutes or less).

Just to be sure, I get back in line and ask Window Lady to mark notes on my account that I did in fact try to make my appearance but that nobody would see me without my lawyer. Since she’s handed me the piece of paper with a speeding ticket on it, I ask her to be sure that the Continuance was filed on the correct ticket. She tells me no, it was filed for “that” ticket, insinuating the piece of paper in my hand.

“So my lawyer came in this morning and talked to you and filed a Continuance on the WRONG TICKET?”

“I don’t enter it, the clerks enter the paperwork.”

“But you are telling me that the Continuance this morning was filed on THIS SPEEDING TICKET – and NOT on the Cutting the Corner ticket?”

“Yes.”

Step out of line, again. Call lawyer, again. He says he’ll check on it, that he was filling out the paperwork based on the information he got from the court, but that it could be changed. He will call the court and call me back.

He calls back and reads me the case number that he filed the Continuance on. It is NOT the case number of the speeding ticket – is the correct case number of the Corner ticket.

Back to the window. Before I can even open my mouth, she informs me that the paper I have in my hand on the speeding ticket is from the Prosecutor, that the case has been reopened because since I got a citation during my deferral, I failed to comply with the terms of my agreement.

“But I’m CHALLENGING the citation. It hasn’t been settled yet. I should never have been issued that ticket. It’s not my fault that I got a citation that I shouldn’t have been issued.”

“That’s not my decision.”

Whatever. My main concern right now is the stupid Corner ticket and the Continuance.

“The case number on the Continuance he filed this morning is the correct case number. The paperwork is right. Are you sure your system is showing that it was filed on the speeding ticket instead?”

“He filed that this morning.”

“Yeah…”

“It’s not in my system.”

“What?”

I’m thinking, Shit. They’ve completely lost the paperwork and don’t know about the Continuance request. Now what? I’m past my court appearance time because, even though I’ve gotten here early, I just spent the last hour trying to make some sense out of this woman.

“You mean there’s no record of it?”

“Of course not. He just filed that Continuance this morning. I won’t have any record of it in my system today. It won’t show up until after the judge determines something.”

(pause)

This is the part where I lose my mind.

“WTF??? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK I WAS ASKING YOU FOR THIS WHOLE TIME, DUMBASS??? YOU KNEW IT WAS FILED THIS MORNING FROM THE BEGINNING – YOU JUST TOLD ME HE FILED IT AT YOUR WINDOW!!! WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THAT AN HOUR AGO??? WHY THE HELL DID YOU TELL ME HE FILED IT ON THE OTHER CASE? AT WHAT POINT DID THE ALIENS ABDUCT YOU AND REPLACE YOUR BRAIN WITH A SEA CUCUMBER???”

Ok, I didn’t actually say all that. Remember the guy with the guns. But that’s what was going through my head as my hands started shaking and I began the breathing exercises.

(speaking very slowly)
“Ok. The deferral that was filed this morning…THAT’s what I’m here to find out about. The judge is supposed to make his decision on that during my court appointment time and all I’m supposed to do is listen to the verdict of whether or not he approved it.”

“Your lawyer has to be here for that.”

“Are you absolutely certain?”

“Yes.”

“So there’s absolutely nothing I can do by being here right now.”

“No.”

“Nothing at all.”

“No.”

“I can’t even find out about the verdict.”

“It’s not in my system yet. They’ll call your lawyer when it’s been decided. Then he can tell you.”

“THEN WHY AM I HERE?!?!?”

(blank stare)

I can feel the whole room turning to look at me. At this point I decide to take my lawyer’s advice and just leave. Slight sense of relief that the guy with guns didn’t follow me.

At the beginning of this day, my expectation was to have this entire matter resolved. Now that I was done, nothing was resolved. Nothing. In fact, the situation was worse than it was to begin with because now I have to mess with trying to get the DA off my back about the stupid speeding ticket too.

I returned to work and tried to explain to everybody what had just happened. I ended up doing a lot of yelling. I think they were entertained. Either that or trying to figure out how to safely get away from the crazy lady.

This is what telling the truth gets me. A ticket, lawyer fees, court fees, more court fees, much wasted time, and the complete and udder loss of my sanity.

Next time I am so going to lie.

Went to court today. Did exactly what my attorney told me to do.

Have never been so close to shouting expletives at a customer service person.

Will explain later, but I need to calm down first.