Actually, that’s not true.   It was almost 80 degrees today.   But for some reason I’m anticipating the Christmas Season early this year.   I could skip right past Thanksgiving and go straight into December without a second thought about it.

Do you think November is too early for a Christmas Blog Template?   Seriously, I want to know.   Because mine is done and I don’t have a Thanksgiving template.   J is adamant that Christmas Season doesn’t start until after his birthday, which is after Thanksgiving.   Would you hate me if I celebrated Christmas for 2 months???

The drive-up ATMs at my bank have audio outlets to cater to all the blind drivers in my area.   All the blind drivers that happen to carry a spare set of earphones in their cars.

I’m being anti-social tonight. My brother and his wife are hosting a BYOB Costume Poker Party and I’m not going.

J is there now. But I don’t have any beer. Or a costume. Or any interest in poker. So I’m not there. I’ve been a little down today. So I’m not feeling particularly social.

I have ideals. Perhaps it’s the result of a fairly sheltered childhood. While the world has made me jaded on many things, I remain quite the idealist in most regards. When my ideals are challenged, I will hang on until the bitter end, refusing to flit about like a leaf in the wind based on an accusation or piece of evidence that is probably far from accurate.

Some might call it loyalty.

Refusing to lay down my ideals until I have weighed the facts and all of the facts and can draw no other conclusion than the resignation that these notions were… just ideas. Fiction.

Poof.

And every time that happens, a layer of my perception of the world is peeled away. Every time that happens, it cuts a little deeper. It hurts. And when it’s done hurting, it scars.

And I suppose wisdom is the culmination of the scars. Wisdom is jaded.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it.

I’m going to really have to start watching what I say and do in front of Kaelin. She’s getting too smart for my own good. Last night she was playing with her shoes while I made a mess in her room (sifting through clothes to resell) and just on a whim I said, “Kaelin, that’s you’re shoe. SHOE. Can you put it in the BUCKET?”

And she did.

She walked over to the bucket and dropped the shoe in. WHERE DID SHE LEARN THAT? I didn’t teach it to her. She just…KNEW what a bucket was, and how to put something in it.

Today she was holding a circular block that’s part of a Winnie the Pooh-mobile. I said, “Kaelin, that’s the ORANGE. CIRCLE. Do you know where it goes?” And before I could ramble on with “Let’s go put the ORANGE. CIRCLE. where it goes,” she had walked over to the Pooh-mobile and inserted the block into its specifically shaped hole.

The child, she is psychic. The mother, she is baffled.

I am a very methodical person, sometimes excessively so. Which is why, when I have three tasks to complete in a day, I end the day having finished none of them. Because I’ve spent a significant amount of my day contemplating the most efficient way to go about each task so that I can synchronize its accomplishment with each other task. Obviously, I’m having to rethink my approach.

But basically, once I get around to doing something, I have figured out the most efficient, effective and beneficial way to do it, thus ensuring that not only am I doing it the right way, I am doing it the rightest way.

Which means, by default, that if you are doing said task a different way, that you are unavoidably doing it the wrong way. Don’t be offended, just go with it.

That said, I would like to offer the following assistance:

• Electrical outlet covers are not symmetrical. It is possible to put them in upside-down, which is inadvisable. Upside-down outlet covers do not completely cover the outlet. In addition, they are easier to pry out of position by little curious fingers. And they look stupid.
• It is possible (and recommended) to affix a DHL label to the monthly shipment boxes so that only one edge-fold is required. Applying labels in this manner is faster and easier, as well as more helpful to the DHL guy who has to scan them. Folding labels over two perpendicular edges, and subsequently having to mash down the excess label paper into a wrinkled lump at the bottom corner is inefficient, time consuming and unnecessary. And it looks stupid.
• Formula bottles come with a seal-cutter in the cap. It is a good idea to use said seal-cutter to open the bottle, as it CUTS the SEAL, thereby allowing it to be cleanly removed from the bottle. Punching in the seal with your knuckle and leaving the partially-attached seal hanging inside the opening of the bottle makes the formula pour out of the bottle in all directions – sometimes missing the destination container completely. It is not a pleasant surprise to the unsuspecting bottle preparer. And it looks stupid.
• Tailing me and then buzzing around in a huff doesn’t actually help you get to your destination any faster. You still have to wait at the red light like everybody else. You just get to wait there longer. And you look stupid.

Thank you for joining me for another edition of unsolicited helpful advice. See, I told you I could make your life better.

• I hate the Whataburger commercials.   When I hear that voice it just makes me want to hit something.
• Same goes for William Shatner.
• I have the best husband in the world.   Best as in “why don’t you go to bed early so I can give you a massage because you sound tired” best.
• I love massages.   Better than sex.
• So the news last night included stories about Chris Rock’s mom getting poor treatment at Cracker Barrel because she’s black, a guy who was knocked 70 feet off a bridge and lived, and the Texas deregulation scam.   Somehow, I feel a little sorry for the Fox news reporter who got assigned interviews with Milo and Pumpkin, the recent winners of the biggest loser contest for overweight pets.
• My court date to take care of the problem that should have been resolved months ago is Thursday.   Haven’t heard from my lame-ass lawyer at all.   Maybe I should give him a call to see what his plan of action is.   Specifically, his $75 plan of action that, I assume, includes something I couldn’t do myself and must be really good since he’s never actually talked to me about what happened.
• Never get insurance through one of those online get-a-quote places.   They lie.

I spent a good portion of today cleaning the house.

Ok, that was a total lie. Those of you who know me or have read this blog for some time probably saw through that immediately. I spent a good portion of the day wasting time and playing with my daughter, and I spent SOME of the day cleaning. And not really CLEANING so much as STRAIGHTENING…the cleaning crew comes tomorrow.

I have embraced my inner slob and come to terms with the fact that, if left up to me, this house would never be adequately cleaned enought prevent foreign ecosystems from developing in the sink and carpet – so it’s more than worth the money to pay someone else to keep me sane and my family healthy by cleaning the house.

Now, before I got sidetracked by that confessional-turned-rationalization, I was talking about cleaning. One of the things I DID do today was empty the trash, but not before carefully sifting through it.

See, Kaelin has developed this recent habit of throwing things away. And not things that SHOULD be thrown away. No, REAL TRASH only goes in her mouth.

She throws away things that are NOT trash, things that we miss once they are gone because they were there for a reason, things that we search high and low for in a frenzy because when we packed the diaper bag it contained enough diapers for a week and now we’re standing over the changing table in a public bathroom AND THERE ARE NO DIAPERS.

Today I found a dog toy, a stuffed animal, an unopened box of juice and one of those clicker thingies like in the Nick Lachey Axe commercials.

There’s an idea for a bad game show in here somewhere but it’s just not coming to me.

We had the 1-year doctor appointment today. Actually, it was the 1-year nurse practitioner appointment, because our doctor is so popular that it’s hard to get an appointment with her unless you schedule a year in advance. And I refuse to schedule doctor appointments further out than my wall calendar goes.

I’m ok with that because, honestly, I like Nice Nurse Practitioner Cindy better than the doctor anyway, and have never quite been able to tell why our doctor is so popular. She talks a lot, but isn’t particularly helpful. When we had our first couple of appointments with her, she was much more concerned about what our daughter was getting for Christmas (as a 2-month-old) than her actual health. We got an earful of stupid-parent stories and left with the impression that she thinks all parents are bumbling idiots.

Nice Nurse Practitioner Cindy, however, is much more what we would expect/prefer in a pediatrician, which I guess is why we haven’t switched doctors.

Have you ever noticed that doctors go by their last names, while nurses go by their first? We were unable to see Dr. Evans today because of the aformentioned issue, so they told us to go to the other waiting room to see Nice Nurse Practitioner Cindy. We were ushered in by Nice Nurse Cindy, who is not Nice Nurse Practitioner Cindy, but is still nice and a nurse, and named Cindy, and Nice Nurse Cindy weighed and measured Kaelin. Then Nice Nurse Cindy asked us if we had any questions we wanted to address with Nice Nurse Practitioner Cindy, and left to go get her.

Today I learned that the bizzaro rough rash on my baby’s bum is really excema and what to do about it. I learned that she has had a significant growth spurt in height (she’s up to the 50th percentile now, as opposed to the previous 20%), but not in weight, which is still in the 10-15th percentile.

Obviously, we’re not feeding her enough steak and potatoes.

I also learned how to start training her to sleep through the night, which would allow me a good 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, which is making me giddy at the mere thought. EIGHT HOURS…hee hee hee hehe…ahem. Excuse my while I go run circles around my bed and sprinkle rose petals on the pillows.

And then Nice Nurse Practitioner Cindy left and Nice Nurse Cindy pummelled my baby girl with FOUR, count them, FOUR shots, and I helped hold her down while she screamed in agony. Oh, the duality of parenthood.

She is certainly growing up though. She quit crying before we left the doctor’s office, which is a marked improvement over previous shot experiences. The first time we took her for shots, she cried for an entire day. I am so not kidding. She slept for most of it and cried in her sleep as though she was reliving the terror again and again and again. And I felt like the worst parent in the world to have willingly let my little munchkin endure such torture.

The shots completely wear her out though, and she slept more today than she has in a long time. On the way home from the doctors, we stopped at a store, and she was in the process of falling asleep when I pulled her out of the carseat. She proceeded to sleep on my shoulder for the entire trip around the store, which is, like, unheard of. It was then that I learned another valuable piece of information…

She is HEAVY. She may not weigh enough to turn the carseat forward yet, but carrying almost 19 lbs around with one arm will really do a number on your back. My arm nearly fell off.

Anyway, despite the shots, she’s been an absolute sweetheart today and we’ve had a lot of fun just playing around. There are some days when I could really picture giving up the “carreer” and spending all my days taking care of my Kaelin. Watching her smile, play and grow.

She’s turning into such a little lady, right before my eyes. (Insert weepy hormonal mother stuff here)

…Or, “Celebrating the ways my life has changed more over the last 12 months than I ever thought possible.”

Newborn:

1 Month:

2 Months:

3 Months:

4 Months:

5 Months:

6 Months:

7 Months:

8 Months:

9 Months:

10 Months:

11 Months:

12 Months:

Happy Birthday, my little munchkin! (Yeah, I know, a few days late – it takes me some time to get the pics off the camera and on the computer)

So it’s official. After some secret talks with representatives from China, Kim Jong-il Apologizes for Nuclear Tests

If you haven’t seen this scene from Team America, the following won’t make any sense to you:

“Apology” written by Kim Jong-il:

I’m so sorwy, so sorwy,
My missiles and bombs were all duds.
Now de terwrists won’t buy dem,
Dose guys are such stick-in-de-muds.
I wowrked rearry hawrd to act rike a tuwrd,
Showing my moxie to arr of de worrd,
But China came over and squeezed on my baaaaawwrrs,
And now I’m sorwy. So verwy sorwy.
It was a wrost cauwse.

Note: Pictures are coming soon, but I’m too tired right now to mess with getting them off the camera.

Dear Kaelin,

Year #2 was off to a great start this morning as you cheerfully handed your grandfather a turd.

Apparently you found it stuck to the dog’s butt and felt compelled to share your discovery. Your gift was much appreciated …if only because you did something with the poop OTHER THAN shove it in your mouth.

We went to the Texas State Fair today in honor of your birthday and you had a fabulous time being overstimulated beyond belief. You enjoyed chunks of turkey leg and funnel cake, and riding around on Dada’s shoulders.

Your favorite part (due in no small part to the fact that you were totally nap-deprived and sugar-high, I’m sure) was the Ferris Wheel. The little people walking around below were so fascinating and the couple we shared the carriage with even gave you a little stuffed frog. You got SO EXCITED over that frog, laughing and squeezing it as though it was your Kitty.

Then as soon as we went our separate ways, you threw it out of the stroller in announcement of your impending nap and BAM – you were out like a light. You snored all the way home.

When we got home and changed you into a new set of clothes, one startling fact became very obvious: You have quite suddenly and without warning grown into 12-month clothes. Today. Sometime between breakfast and lunch. This morning, you were still growing into the 6-9 month clothes. After being 1 to 2 clothing sizes behind for your entire life (doesn’t it sound like a long time when I put it like that?), it appears that you are finally catching up.

Perhaps it’s the massive amount of turkey, cheese and green beans you have been ingesting recently. But now I really need to update your wardrobe, as I was expecting to have several more months before you needed 12-month sized clothing. I hope you like onesies kiddo, because that’s what you’ve got.

When it was time for your second nap of the day, which was a necessity due to the birthday part we had planned for this evening, you absolutely refused. You have never been so stubborn about not taking a nap as you were today – and I have never been so agitated by it, knowing that if you DIDN’T nap before the party, you would be a little bear this evening.

Eventually, we resorted to driving you around in the car, which successfully resulted in a good 45-minute refresher nap. Enough for me, I was ready to take what I could get at that point.

The party was a success, and even though you were again overstimulated by all the presents, and overtired from an already big day, and were forced to stay up an hour past your usual bed time, you did very well. We were really impressed.

As expected, you received a totally unreasonable amount of cool presents, and completely ignored most of them – preferring instead to play with the wrapping paper. Evidently nobody listened to me when I told them ahead of time that would happen. You did develop an attachment to one particular toy – a little plastic horse-riding figure – and carried it around in your mouth for most of the evening. Apparently equestrians are tasty.

You ate cake and ice cream, and ice cream, and then you enjoyed some ice cream. Since our trip to the fair had been unsuccessful at reaching sugar-high energy levels sufficient for powering an airbus, we made up for it at dinner by injecting the sugar introveniously. While we learned at this point that you apparently have a pretty high tolerance for sugar, it did manage to keep you up long enough to get through the party. Just so you know, if you develop diabetes as a result of today, it’s totally Grandpa’s fault. And probably Uncle Jon’s too.

After some of the guests had left the party and things had quieted down some, you discovered a new toy that your Aunt and Uncle had brought – one that had previously been overlooked in lieu of all the Fun! Wrapping! Paper!

They bought you a stuffed Eyeore that’s really soft and has a long tail. We could see you make the connection almost immediately when you truely looked at it for the first time:

It’s a Blue Kitty!!!

Tired as you were, you actually giggled as you enveloped the Blue Kitty in a huge bear hug and tackled it to the floor, rubbing your face in the fur. You dragged Blue Kitty around with you for the rest of the evening, clutching it to you, and even tried very hard to pull it up the stairs with you – a very arduous task, as the toy is the same size as you are, and climbing stairs is hard enough when you’re too sleepy to keep your eyes open and move your limbs at the same time.

Happy Birthday, my little munchkin. It’s been a fun and full day, and I have a feeling you will sleep very well tonight. And so will I. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this exhausted.

Love Always,
Mama