I love living in a place where everybody freaks out when it snows.   Offices close, school lets out, and there’s nobody on the road despite the lack of hazardous driving conditions.

And my dog runs around the back yard in a frantic panic because he has to poo but doesn’t want to stop long enough for the snow to stick to his feet.

Today is Jens’ birthday.   For the next 3 months, I get to tease him about being an old, decrepit loser while I remain wrapped in the essence of youth.

Then I have a birthday and that same age becomes no longer an indication of having one foot in the grave, but a perfect representation of health and vitality.

Happy Birthday, Old Fart.

I accidentally spent $50 on Amazon.com. You know that button that says “Buy Now with 1-Click?” Yeah. They mean that.

If you press that button there will be no order confirmation, no chance to change any of the details. Just a page that says “YOUR ORDER HAS BEEN PLACED. IF THIS WAS AN ACCIDENT, TOO BAD. IF YOU ARE STUPID ENOUGH TO PUSH THE 1-CLICK BUTTON OUT OF CURIOSITY, CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY THAT WE’RE SENDING YOU THE PRODUCTS INSTEAD OF JUST CHARGING YOU AN IDIOT SHOPPER FEE.” Or something to that effect.

I am a fickle online purchaser. I make my selections, carefully weed out my cart until it contains the perfect blend of absolute necessities. I proceed to checkout, enter my card information, then delete my entire cart and cancel the order.

It’s probably some kind of neurosis with a long scientific name that is easily treatable with medications, and I should probably see somebody about that. But those medications are probably expensive and cause weight gain as a side effect and frankly, I’d rather be crazy than poor and fat.

But the fact remains, when I don’t get the chance to confirm and cancel my order, it kind of unsettles me.

That, and that $50 came out of the “Christmas fund” so J is all pissed off now because a) we have $50 less to spend on family, and b) he was going to give those books to me for Christmas.

And you wanna know the really sick part? I could probably find a way to cancel the order before anything has been shipped. Yet somehow, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Santa is totally bringing me coal this year.

The Scene:

Kaelin (13 months old) is packing away her favorite food: grapes.   She selects one and moves it toward her mouth, anticipating the taste that prompts a delighted “Mmmmm” after every. single. bite.   Yes folks – they are JUST. THAT. GOOD.  

She opens her mouth to receive the grape, but it slips from her fingers and she watches it fall to the floor.   Her mouth pouts and her brows furrow.

“Damn.”

I swear, she didn’t learn that from us.

No, really.

Damn.

I hope you all enjoy the day of stuffing yourselves silly and lounging around pretending to watch football so nobody sees that you’re really napping with your eyes open. Or maybe that’s just me.

We’re having a low-key thanksgiving this year. That will be a big change. Every year we do an enormous gathering with my extended family. There are about 40 people and everybody brings their kids and food and it’s absolute chaos. All the women end up in the kitchen and all the men end up in front of the TV. Except me – I usually hang out with the guys because why would I voluntarily spend time in a kitchen, especially one that already has 20 people in it?

This year, we did the whole mass gathering early due to scheduling conflicts. So today it’s just my little immediate family and some decent food. I have no plans for stuffing myself silly, and I will feel quite comfortable going upstairs to take a nap during football instead of avoiding the appearances of anti-socialness to stare blankly at a screen of large men in tight pants running into each other.

It’s in the 70s here today so it should be a great day to take Kaelin outside and walk off that meal. Maybe if I walk her around long and hard enough she’ll actually TAKE A FRIGGIN NAP TODAY, a chore she has seen unfit to participate in as of late. Yesterday I spent 3 hours trying to get her to take a 30 minute nap.

I’ve discovered that refusing to nap is the one thing my child does that can absolutely make me lose my mind as a parent. DOESN’T SHE UNDERSTAND THAT SHE NEEDS TO NAP? DOESN’T SHE UNDERSTAND THAT I NEED HER TO NAP???

Anyway, Happy Turkey Day. May the food and naps abound.

1. Lying, stupid, lying, incompetent, misleading, lying, stupid Insurance Brokers who tell lies and are stupid*
2. Toilet paper holders in public bathrooms that have stoppers on them so you can only pull off 3 sheets at a time. I should not have to spend this long and this much effort acquiring an acceptable amount of material with which to wipe my butt.
3. Radio sound bites of cars honking. Those things have come close to running me off the road on many an occasion


*UPDATE: There is a good ending to the story. Continental General Life Insurance is great. Even though they were under no obligation to refund my money because it wasn’t their fault my policy wasn’t canceled when I canceled it, they sent me a check in the mail with a letter entitling me to a full refund. I explained the situation to them and three days later I had a check in my mailbox.

I am STILL waiting on the check Benefits Direct promised me over a MONTH AGO. Ahem.

So…what pisses you off?

Kaelin punched me square in the eye yesterday.

Fortunately, I know it was an accident. We were on the floor and she was playing with my face (a favorite activity for some reason) and she tripped, landing a fist to the face.

Unfortunately, J doesn’t have the same confidence in her intentions. He’s convinced that she’s got it in for him, and I’m beginning to wonder myself. She’s become very good at beating him up. She’ll poke him in the eye, pull his hair, manage to step on/collide with the … er… sensitive parts of his body.

And all when he least expects it. She walks over under the ruse of wanting to point out the features on his face, and POKE – right in the eye. She’ll finger his hair (another favorite activity) really gently, then YANK!

J has a large wound on his shin right now, the result of a softball game gone wrong. He was sitting on the edge of the tub yesterday morning in shorts and she walked right over and dug her fingernail into it.

Then yesterday evening they were both hanging out on the couch (and he was wearing jeans, so the scab and enormous surrounding bruise were not visible). She was sitting calmly, looking around. Suddenly, she whipped her arm up and SLAM! Right on the bad shin, right on top of the wound.

That’ll teach him to deny the M&Ms.

Hey, good news! I’ve been offered (and have of course accepted) a job as part of the Weblog Design Studios team! WDS is the place to go to get great designs for all kinds of blogs. When I see a great template on the web, most of the time I find that it has come from WDS.

I have moved my premade templates to their website and have already sold one. For the most part, I’m going to be doing PSD layout work to start, since that’s what I have more experience with. But I hope to move into full-fledged designing soon, once I master the coding aspect of the other blogging platforms.

Feel free to check out their site – you won’t be disappointed! And they’re still looking for designers so if you have the skills, head on over there and apply.

I’m totally cheating and backdating this post because I’m a lazy butt and am just now getting to this.

Dear Kaelin,

You are now 13 months old.  You are growing and changing so fast and are truly no longer a “baby,” but a little girl.  You have displayed a huge knowledge of vocabulary, and this month it has been so fun to watch you start saying a few things. Here’s a quick baby-book style recap…

Current Obsessions

• Throwing things away.  Things that aren’t supposed to be thrown away.  I have to sift through the trash every time I empty it to pull out all the stuffed animals, remote controls, dog toys, juice boxes, Tupperware, books and other random objects that you have decided to do away with.  Where did you even get a click-counter?
• Pet food/water bowls.  …Please. Stop. That. Already.
• Baths.  You know the word, and when we suggest it, your eyes light up and you make a bee-line to the stairs on your way to the bathroom.  “Up!  Up!  Up!”
• Water bottle caps.  You get so mad when we won’t let you choke on them.
• The security stickers we get to check into the church nursery.  Please stop ripping mine off before we get through the checkpoint.  The security people don’t like it when I missing my sticker pass.
• Waving “bye-bye” to EVERY SINGLE PERSON that comes within a 3 mile radius of us, and continuing to do so until that person responds to you or disappears
• Grapes
• Walking through the church parking lot.  Actually, walking through any parking lot but the only one we actually let you down in is the church parking lot.  You have expressed your displeasure about that fact on many an occasion.

Tooth Count

• 2 front teeth (top)
• 2 eye teeth
• 2 front teeth (bottom)

Word Count

• Mama
• Daddo
• Bye-bye
• Uh-Oh
• Buh-Paw (Pa-Paw, maternal grandfather)
• Baush?  (“brush” – used for hairbrush, toothbrush, comb.  I’m not sure why it’s always a question)
• Up
• Damn (um…yeah.  No idea where that came from.  Seems to be the phrase of choice when you drop a bite of food you were planning to eat.  You need to stop that because people are starting wonder about my domestic vocabulary.)
• Beh-beh (“baby”)
• Baw or Buh-baw (“ball”)
• Buh-Pah (“puppy”)
• Ott (out)
• Bayaya (“banana”)

I wonder sometimes what it is that triggers the first words a baby speaks.  I thought for sure your first real words (meaning a word other than Mama, Dada Daddo or BAH) would be “milk” or “grapes” or the name of one of your stuffed animals.  Or maybe an attempt at Grandmommy or Grandpa.  But no – it was “UP.”  Followed shortly by “brush.”

Of course.

This whole talking thing has opened up a new chapter of your life.  It’s really fun to watch you try SO VERY HARD to make your mouth form a word.  And once you get it, you practice it over and over and over.  That’s ok because you have the cutest, sweetest little talking voice.  One of our favorite times is when you get sleepy while riding in the car because you become a TOTAL CHATTERBOX for about 5 minutes before passing out.  One day I’ll actually remember to bring my voice recorder in the car and get a sample.

You’re starting to get used to the nursery at church.  You still cry when we hand you over to the extra-nice, sweet, cheerful childcare lady who calls all the grownups sugary baby nicknames – but you no longer cry for the entire time we’re gone.  You have found an older (Polish?) gentleman that you particularly like and let him carry you around.  When we picked you up last week, we got the report that you had been an angel and when one of the other kids was crying you went over and patted him on the head and tried to dry his tears with a tissue.

This week, we also received the report that you behaved beautifully, and you were quite happy when we picked you up.  This week, they had a BALL! for you to play with, which you were clutching tightly when we arrived.  They have discovered your weakness, my dear.  You are doomed to enjoy yourself in the nursery after all.  BUH-WHA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!

You have also been sleeping through the night beautifully.  Thank you.  And sleeping until at least 7am in the morning.  Thank you thank you thank you.  A good night’s sleep is an invaluable asset, one I had forgotten the bliss of until recently.

You are such a blessing and each month with you becomes more fun and more exciting than the last.  I swear, we could sit around and do nothing but watch you grow and learn.  I have no idea what we filled our time with before we had you, but we must have been really boring people.

Love always,
Mama

I don’t have a lot of pictures to show off this month.  My camera doesn’t work quite as well as it used to. See, it used to take a picture when I pushed the shutter button…rather than suggesting we discuss the possibility over coffee.  Sometimes it freezes up completely, other times it refuses to focus on anything within the viewfinder.  It’s also having trouble shooting natural colors, so I have to do way too much work in Photoshop for each set of pics that I do get out of it.

So yeah.  Sorry about the lack of picture updates – most of the pictures from this month are one other peoples cameras.

For the longest time, Kaelin has shown no interest in any word other than Bah. Everything is Bah. Ball? Bah. Fish? Bah. Puppy? Bah.

Today, she said her first non-bah word, while asking to be lifted onto the couch.

Me: What do you want? Do you want up?

Kaelin: UP!

Me: Did you say Up? Did you actually say a word that didn’t start with “B”??? GOOD JOB!!! Can you say it again?

Kaelin: BUP!

Well, it’s a start anyway.

There are times when I am completely in awe of the strength some people are able to display.   I thank God regularly for my healthy, happy, beautiful baby.   It seems that there is no measuring stick with which fortune is dealt out or held back.

I didn’t know Jackson, and I doubt I will ever meet his parents.   But I have the utmost respect for two people who could endure what they have been through and watched their son go though.

He’s so tiny on that hospital bed hooked up to all those tubes and machines.   As a human being, it breaks my heart.   As a mother, it’s almost unbearable.

Bill and Lindsey, my prayers are with you.

Just an FYI in case any of you are looking into getting health insurance. Do not deal with Design Benefits Incorporated (aka Design Savers Plan). I don’t know if their employees are scam artists or just completely inept. Frankly, I don’t care. I’m out $250 (and we all know that money isn’t exactly flowing out of the trees around here) because everything they’ve told me has been completely incorrect.

• They told me my bank account would not be debited until I had reviewed and accepted the policy. It was debited before I even RECEIVED the policy to review.
• The total amount debited from my account was significantly higher than the amount/s disclosed to me.
• I canceled the policy immediately upon finding out that I had been misled and was told I would be receiving a full refund. I went over the amounts debited from my account with the account rep, and she assured me I would be fully refunded for everything taken out. She even got snippy with me when I asked her repeatedly to verify that I was due a full refund.
• Two weeks later, no refund had arrived. I called again and spoke with the same woman. She assured me that the policy had been canceled and that it takes a month for them to cut a check.
• It has been well over a month and no check has arrived. Today I find that another monthly premium was debited from my account.
• I call the company, and am told that I had been enrolled in TWO insurance plans, and they only canceled one of them. In order to cancel the other (more expensive) one, I was supposed to notify a different company in writing. NOBODY EVER TOLD ME THIS. The girl I talked to originally made no mention of this, either of the two times I called. She told me everything would be taken care of.
• The second company is claiming it’s not their mistake since they were not notified. So they still have my money.
• It’s an ACH debit (that’s the only way they do business – now I know why) so I have no recourse through Visa/MC/Amex.

So now I have no money and 2 months of benefits that I never used because I thought they were canceled.

Bastards.

Want more proof? Take a look at their BBB record:

On January 19, 2006 this company’s membership in the BBB was revoked by the BBB’s Board of Directors due to failure to eliminate the underlying cause of complaints on file with the BBB.

My suggestion: Never let anyone take your insurance application over the phone. Get everything in writing. There’s apparently no regulation on what they can tell you over the phone, even if it’s in direct contrast to what the paperwork says.