I love the fact that Olive Garden has their restrooms located at the front entrance of the restaurant so when I take Kaelin to change her rather stinky diaper and she yells “EWW, BUTT!” as we’re walking through the lobby, all the staff and waiting patrons get a good giggle out of it.

Sigh.

So it looks like Anti-Sanjaya Girl will have to endure another week of starvation. So far, it looks like she’s up for it – which, frankly, surprises me. I was thinking she’d give in this week.

If I ever decide to starve myself for a cause, I will make sure that:

1. My goal can possibly be reached in increments of DAYS, not WEEKS. I can’t imagine the thought at 8:29pm every Wednesday night that you have to endure another ENTIRE WEEK before the next possibility of relief comes.
2. It will not have anything to do with a reality TV show.

Although, I will say that I disagree with the people who are mad at her for hunger striking over such a minor issue because they think her priorities are screwed up when there are SO MANY MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO STARVE YOURSELF FOR.

Frankly, anyone who goes on a hunger strike for World Peace, or Save the Rain Forests, or Stop the Genocide, or whatever, is resigning themselves to a death sentence. There is simply no way that any major issue like that can get resolved in the time it takes to die from lack of food, no matter how many people are trying to help you.

If you’re going on a hunger strike, it SHOULD be over something trivial, so that at least there is the possibility of succeeding – the possibility that SOMEBODY who matters will think that your life is more important than X and will conceded to your demands.

I’ve been keeping up with her blog, not so much from an overwhelming compulsion to see what happens to her, but more because it’s entertaining to read the comments she gets. Some people just have this compulsive need to hear themselves type, even if what they have to say takes a sudden left swing into the Valley of Irrelevance.

For instance, this was in response to a post she made about having lost 10 lbs:

wait, wait, let me get this straight…you are supposed to have LOST 10 lbs? Man, no offense, because I don’t know how tall you are and everything, but .I am like 5’7 and weigh 115 (if that)… and whereas you are supposedly 23 and from what I can gather you are living with your parents and they have so much concern, I just turned 21 and am in college, and we lost the house that my family was living in in Maryland because my mother made my 19 year old sister, 22 year old autistic brother, and I abandon the house and move with her and her crazy gf to Troy, NY the night after she made my father leave the house and go live with his mother, and my mother drove me back to Maryland in August 2006 since I am in college, and her friend came along for the drive and threatened to kill me and cursed my mother’s parent’s out and my mother did absolutely NOTHING, so now my father has to come get me and I have to stay at his senile mother’s house with no computer or internet during breaks from college. Otherwise I am pretty much on my own. I don’t even have a bf or anything because I am afraid to trust anyone, and it seems like everyone at my college is black, but I don’t want to feel like I have to be comitted to a black person.

So you mean you weighed like 165 before? How tall are you anyway?

Somebody needs a therapist to get all that angst out to. And then there are the AI wanna-be’s, waiting to be discovered:

THIS KID SUCKS… I would take him on in a second in a sing off, been singing all my life, so all these ppl saying they would like to see you or anyone else sing better than him, I will do it and this is not a joke, my dad taught me to sing when I was like 4 and he was a great singer I have a CD I made for him, just from him singing to music, anyone have any questions on that, I will be glad to send u a sound file!!!!!!! Just add me as a friend and you will hear it on myspace… I have sung in front of thousands of people, I know the nerves and was able to overcome them, it was AWESOME!!!! And you know what, would do it again in a second……My nephew was 4 years old when he first started singing thanx to my dad and his first song was BABE and he was on every note and every lyrics, So I guess what I am trying to say is all u ppl should think before u put your foot in your mouth………Sorry if this sounds harsh but I can’t stand u ppl putting J down for what she is doing, I worry bout her, but I understand her stand on this……………Oh and P.S. can u hypocrytes sing better than Shejaya, I think not…………..

Careful, y’all – she’ll “do it and this is not a joke.” I guess for some people, everything really is all about THEM.

Rachel asked how I handle it when there are slow times at work:

How do you keep yourself constantly busy? If I’m stressed out, but occupied, I’m great. But the nature of my work means the busy times come in waves and spurts – and a lot of time I find myself with nothing to do, which makes for LONG, even agonizing, days. I’m not a slacker, my work is never neglected – I just run out of work – and then I lose my motivation/will to get out of bed, completely. Do you ever go through phases like that at work?

Absolutely. I will start by saying that I wrote this post at work.

I am extremely project-oriented, and need to have some sort of goal to focus on in order to keep my mind stable. When I first graduated from college, I got a desk job in which my bosses left the office at 3pm every day to avoid rush hour traffic. It was one of those jobs where if my bosses weren’t around to give me work, I didn’t have anything to do.

Now, I could have asked Bob the Marketing Guy if he had any special projects for me, but Bob was one of those people who refused to admit that there was nothing to be done, so he would make up stuff that was so mundane and useless that I’d find myself wishing I could just watch flies get sucked into the fan. Projects like “Go through this list of 3,000 customers and Google them to see if you can find email addresses,” or “Read everything in this 10-foot wall of filing cabinets to see if there are any good case studies to put on the website.”

It was during that job that I learned a lot about The Art of Looking Busy.

(more…)

Today is our weekly Cleanse Day, more commonly referred to as Liquid Fast Day of Doom. Being unable to eat real food for an entire day does not bode well for my mood.

Neither does the fact that the cat has recently developed a propensity for peeing and pooping anywhere EXCEPT the litter box.   We’ve already said goodbye to one cat because of this problem.   Unfortunately, Kaelin is rather attached to this one, and J and I are as well.

The dog has been chewing up Kaelin’s toys.   Again.

I’m having a hard time remembering why we thought pets were such a good idea.

J put all of Kaelin’s blankets in the wash today with a large red blanket that has never been washed before.   So now her white blankets are hot pink, and her green blankets are brown.

But at least my kid is cute.

“Dow.”

“That’s right. There is a cow on your yogurt carton.”

“Dow.”

“What does the cow say?”

“Moo.”

“That’s right. Did you know that cows make milk?   And yogurt is made from milk, so yogurt comes from cows.”

“Eww.”

The nursery worker at church keeps trying to get us to volunteer in the nursery. But I don’t want to. Because, why?

I’m afraid of children.

Is that completely asinine and absurd, taking into consideration that I have a child of my own?

Yes.

Is it true nonetheless?

Yes.

My first babysitting job was a 12 hour gig. I was taking care of two hellions, the sons of my middle school drama teacher. So not only was it torture from start to finish, I was under political pressure to succeed. I don’t think I did, since she never asked me to babysit again. And that was fine by me.

I think I babysat approximately 3 times. Ever. Why? Because I have a really irrational fear of other people’s kids. I just don’t know what to do with them. I thought that would probably change once I had one of my own, but no.

Some friends of ours have taken care of Kaelin for short periods of time and we have pledged to return the favor and when they ask, we will do it willingly and gladly. But there will always be a part of me that wigs out just a little at the thought, and you can be sure that J will be there.

I have come to the conclusion that I just don’t know how to be a kid. There are people who interact with children fabulously, and many of these people have a “child-like” side to their personality. I just don’t have that. I sort of remember being a kid, but I can’t seem to remember HOW to be a kid.

I have guilt sometimes about my mommying abilities because I get terribly bored playing baby games. Reading baby books (especially more than once) can make me want to bash my head into the nearest wall. Colors, shapes, numbers…it’s like ADD takes over my brain and I can’t concentrate on something so basic. My mom can sit and play with Kaelin for hours. HOURS. I just can’t. I get bored and it’s like torture to my mind.

That’s probably why Kaelin seems to prefer spending time with Grandmommy. I guess I’m just glad that there’s somebody available to her that can jump into her world and stay there for more than 20 minutes at a time.

Although I will say that my attention span of kid-activities is growing now that she’s able to do some more interactive things. But still, there are only so many times I can willingly break out the “BUBBLES!” in a single day.

And is it me, or are Baby Einstein books the most boring, stupid, pretentious things in the world? I mean, what makes them think that my 1-year-old needs to learn about impressionist artwork? And talk about dull – like, “I’d rather sit around and count grains of rice,” dull.

We need to get more good old-fashioned storybooks.   You remember, the ones with characters and a plot?   Any suggestions?

I was informed today that the technical term for it is “irritability,” but the fact is, I’ve learned first hand over the past several days that one of the common side effects of flushing toxins out of my body is a raging case of that PMS I’ve never suffered with.

I think J is about ready to head for the hills.

Stupid WordPress problem (the problem is stupid, not WP…I heart WP) has been plaguing me for a few months now and I was really hoping the upgrade to the latest version would help, but it didn’t, but I FIXED IT!

I found the answer and I FIXED IT!

And no, I’m not going to tell you what it was because then you’ll be like, “Oh, was that all?” instead of what you should be thinking, which is “Wow, you must be some kind of WordPress GURU!”

That is really what you’re thinking, isn’t it? Because come on, y’all, I FIXED IT!

Should you find yourself on a diet program which requires “fasting” days on which you cannot eat food… it is not a good idea to go grocery shopping on that day.

It is especially not a good idea to go to Whole Foods where they are handing out free samples of meat, pasta, smoothies, fruit, cheese and other assorted meal items during one of their Tastes of the World food tours.

By the time we left, it was all I could do to keep from eating my arm.

So today is our weekly “Cleanse” day. It’s basically a liquid fast. No food, but you drink this fortified juice stuff 4 times during the day and eat “snack” tablets.

The tablets are ok (if you like chocolate Tums), but the juice tastes like a berry-flavored foot. With a touch of gangrene.

I think you’re supposed to mix it with water but it’s so bad we’ve taken to just chugging it straight, before our mouths register the taste – then follow quickly with gulps of vodka some other energy juice we’re allowed to drink.

The hardest part is that lb hasn’t been eating too well recently so I spend all day offering her whole milk and yogurt and turkey and cheese and bread with honey and ground beef and pasta, only to have her turn her nose up at it, and I’m like CHILD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, CAN YOU NOT SEE THE HEAVENLY DELICACIES POURED OUT BEFORE YOU???

Because seriously, the dog is eating better than me today.

The dog’s butt hole is not a “BEE-BO“…

Please, please, please stop poking it.

Sincerely,
Your Resident Hand Washer

BC must have some sort of secret “incentive/rewards” program that they do for consultants.   Nobody ever talks about it, but it must be the case.   Or else their order packers are without a doubt the stupidest people on the planet.

Every time I order products from the company, I get things I didn’t order.   Usually it’s just one or two items – they’ll give me two of something I’ve only ordered one of.   But today I got my order in and there were $188 of extra products in there.   The pick ticket was correct as per what I had ordered, and everything I had ordered was in the box – but there was all this extra stuff in the box that I didn’t order.

The last time this happened, I assumed it was a mistake and called an account rep to ask if they wanted me to return the extra products.   She said no.

This time I didn’t call the company.   I don’t believe you can put an extra $188 of products in a box on accident.

I heart BC.