Archive for the ‘ROFL’ Category

Best. Quote. Ever.

Filed under: People,ROFL — Amy @ 7:43 am

Dr. Henry Lindlahr

(Well, best medical quote anyway…)

And you thought Advil was harmless…

(emphasis added by me)

Headache powders, pain killers, opiates, sedatives and hypnotics may paralyze brain and nerves into temporary insensibility; but, if due to constitutional causes, the pain, nervousness and insomnia will always return with redoubled force. If taken habitually, these agents invariably tend to create heart disease and paralysis, and ultimately develop the patient into a dope fiend.

…Each drug breeds new disease symptoms which are in their turn “cured” by other poisons, until the insane asylum or merciful death rings down the curtain on the tragedy of a ruined life.

This and other nuggets of medical wisdom are available in Dr. Henry Lindlahr’s book, Natural Therapies.

Other highlights include:

  • How white blood cells are actually evil pathogens and only look like cells because they are squeezed into that shape as they pass through the spleen.
  • How masturbation is the fault of parents for engaging in sexual activity while the woman was pregnant
  • How every ailment you suffer is a result of your own violation of the laws of nature

Beware of Elephant!

Filed under: Body Issues,People,ROFL — Amy @ 10:32 am

“What was that?”
“Did you see that guy across the parking lot?”
“Yes.”
“He farted before he got in his car.”
“That was a FART, are you serious? Is it humanly possible to fart that loud?”
“Apparently so. I saw him do ‘the Squat’ before he sat down and closed the door.” (proceeds to mimick ‘the Squat’)
“That sounded like an elephant.”
“Amazing.”

Just so you know, if you set any kind of a world record for fart volume, even if you think nobody is around, someone is bound to hear it. And that someone will then proceed to tell the world about it on the internet.

And that someone’s husband will also mimick you doing “the Squat,” which will further provide entertainment in the form of mental replays.

The Last Straw

Filed under: Pets,ROFL — Amy @ 1:13 pm

I have witnessed THE LAST STRAW. Over the weekend, our cat Countess has metamorphosised from mild-mannered and aloof to PSYCHO ATTACK CAT.

It happened on a day just like any other day in which our dog was bugging the cats. Poirot is a blob by nature and more or less lays down and takes whatever the dog will dish out. I think his theory is that if he ignores the dog long enough, eventually it will just rot away.
Countess, on the other hand, usually avoids the dog by staying high enough not to be reached and stares down upon him like “Fool. You are and will always be a lesser being.”

However, this day was different. The dog was dancing around on the floor and yapping at Countess, trying as always to provoke her into…something…but this time IT WORKED.

It was exactly like watching Gollum get really pissed:

Or that scene where Bilbo turns into Scary Bilbo but I couldn’t find any pictures of that. First we heard her…growl can be the only appropriate description. Then the eyes became enormous, the tail took on that electrocuted look, and the claws came out. Within seconds, she was flying through the air with ALL FOUR claws aimed directly at dear dog’s face.

Fortunately he has very quick reflexes and turned tail to run, but she chased him until she had him cornered in the bedroom. Then she let out another growl as if to say, “Look at me the wrong way again and they’ll be finding pieces of you in the litter box for weeks, buddy.”
And things haven’t been the same since. The dog is always up to a challenge, so it hasn’t stopped him from attempting to provoke the cat. But we’ll hear the growl, then the sound of stampeding around the carpet and then a Nazgul shriek that lets you know the cat has just detached one of the dog’s limbs from the rest of his body. He takes what’s left of his bleeding carcass away and doesn’t mess with her for the rest of the day.

He is now accepting his role as the beta cat. He even does Sit and Lay Down for her, his attention glued to her expression to see if he has won approval. He hardly does that for us.
Perhaps we should try the growl & slash routine.

Old People Rock

Filed under: People,ROFL,Work — Amy @ 3:01 pm

“Hello Amy. You have 4 new messages. First new message:

  • ‘Hello? Hello, this is John Doe. I’m 83 years old and I want to get a unit shipped to me each month so I can get my commissions. I’m 83 years old and I need to make some money.’

Left Yesterday at 5:02PM. Next Message:

  • ‘Hello? This is John Doe. I want to call someone to place an order, not listen to someone tell me what I can’t do.’

Left Yesterday at 5:04PM. Next Message, marked URGENT:

  • ’550…6130…Hello…’

Left Yesterday at 5:05PM. Next Message:

  • ‘Hello… I need to place an order and I need to do it tonight. This is very important. Tomorrow might be too late. Please send me a unit each month. My credit card number is 1234… 56.. 78.. 9101121… 3. Someone please call me…tonight…and let me know that you have done this.’

Left Yesterday at 5:10PM. End of New Messages.”

As a side-note, our dear John Doe also left 4 messages on the main voicemail box, 3 on Jamie’s voicemail and 1 on Boss Man’s voicemail (in which he neglected to leave his name, number or any other identifying information and I walk past Boss Man’s office to hear ‘Who are you???”)

Come to find out this morning, there was really no urgency and he didn’t need to place any order at all.

I love old people. Sometimes.

Rationalization at It’s Best

Filed under: Friends,ROFL,Work — Amy @ 1:03 pm

“I think I’m going to go to Old Navy during my lunch break today.”
“Oh?”
“I’m not really hungry, so there’s no point in spending money that I don’t need to spend.”
“So you’re going shopping instead.”
“Yeah.”
“Ok.”

Holy. Crap.

Filed under: ROFL,Teh Internets — Amy @ 9:16 pm

I’m usually not one to pass on a lot of forwards, but I just can’t help myself with this one.

Turn up your sound and wait for the eyebrow twitch.

Numa Numa Kid

About Me

Hi. I'm Amy. I started this website in 2005 as a place to deposit my journal and photos. It has gone through a few incarnations and masquerades as a family site, but since I'm the only one who contributes to it, it's really all about ME, ME, ME.

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