Archive for the ‘Such is Life’ Category

11 Months

Filed under: Such is Life — Amy @ 2:00 am

I refuse to believe that my daughter is almost a year old.  It’s simply not true, stop telling me that it is, I’m not listening, LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Park 008.jpg

We went to the park yesterday and she had the time of her life, clomping around in her new shoes.  Though she’s been walking for over a month now, shoes are a novelty – being completely unneccessary until now.

See, our household doesn’t do “outside” unless the temperature in the shade is UNDER 3600 F …so no need for shoes until recently.  But now that we’re approaching fall, it’s getting to be a bit more reasonable, and we can venture outside without the risk of getting stuck to the pavement.

Park 012.jpg

She’s getting more talkative.  She’s had her own language for a while now, but we’re really getting the idea that she’s starting to assign specific words to specific meanings.  Bah-Bah is bottle.  Mah is Light (which we only know because she points at the light on the ceiling every time she says it).  Her latest additions are “Dot” and “Dude.”  I don’t think they’ve been assigned meanings yet, she’s just enjoying the sound of them right now.

“Wow, Kaelin.  That’s some wild hair you have there.”
“Doooooood.”

She’s able to understand a lot more words than she can say.  I can ask her where her duck is and she’ll go to the toy bin and retrieve it.  When asked, she can point to our eyes, nose, mouth and ear…but her favorite is nose and she’ll often start pointing it out without the suggestion.

Park 004.jpg

She’s starting to understand the concept of “NO” and insists on testing us as often as possible.  She’s more than willing to tow the line at every oportunity, to see EXACTLY where that line is.  When I make her lay still and quiet in her bed at night, she’ll try rolling over.  When that doesn’t work, she’ll try flinging her leg over.  When that doesn’t work, she’ll look at me and TWITCH.  I’m beginning to fear the teenage years.

Park 013.jpg

She’s still not sleeping through the night.  Or rather, she has not RETURNED to sleeping through the night since she started teething several months ago.  It’s like a bad joke to get a taste of sleeping through the night and then have her suddenly quit doing so for an indefinite period of time.  Last night she slept until 4:00am, which was a miracle.  Actually, at 2:30am, I got out of bed and went to make sure she was still breathing, thinking surely something MUST be wrong.  By 2:30am, she has usually woken up at least twice.  But no, she was sound asleep, doing just fine.  Kaelin, if you want to make a habit of that again, I’d be in full support.

She’s teething again, which we only know because we can see the little nub of a tooth poking in on the top.  It doesn’t seem to be bothering her at all, which is nice.  And she hasn’t had the drooling symptom that accompanied the last round of teething.  Also nice.

Park 007.jpg

I wrote a letter to her recently.  It went something like this:

Dear Kaelin,
Until recently, I thought it was kind of silly for moms to write letters to their small children, who were obviously too young to understand such things, much less read them. I know there’s the wishful thinking that one day the child will delve into the archives of her mother’s blog, cherishing every word. I don’t hold out a lot of hope for that.

But I have been enlightened as of late, to a more compelling reason to direct this correspondence to you. You see, there are so many things I want to tell you every day, so many lessons I want to share with you, but am unable because for the most part, I could be speaking ancient Egyptian for all you know.

So perhaps if I write down these conversations, it will at least pacify my need to communicate to you…even if it’s only in my imagination.

You stay busy each day learning about the world you live in. You walk/run/bustle/flap all over the house during the day, chasing the dog and cat, playing with toys, trying to make a getaway up the stairs. I wish you didn’t think it was such a game. The other day you made it up 4 steps before I realized the gate was not in place. With each step you looked at me and banged on the stair as if to get my attention. Once achieved, and you saw me running in your direction, you let out a laugh and excitedly tried to climb further up the stairs before I caught you.

You love being caught. You totally miss the point of “chase” games. You see it coming and you get all excited…and then you run right into my arms. It kind of defeats the purpose.

Your spacial navigation skills are improving. I think you’ve finally figured out that you are 3″ taller than the space under the kitchen table. Today you actually started ducking, rather than plowing into it.

You still haven’t mastered the concept of walking around anything. Taking the most direct route possible, you either trip or climb over stuff to get to your destination. You’re the only baby in your age group at the Church nursery that is walking, and since you don’t veer around anything, you spend your nursery time tripping over and stepping on all the other babies that are sprawled all over the floor. My apologies to their parents.

I’m not sure how to convince you that there is no nutritional value in carpet. And while geckos may provide some degree of protein, they’re really lacking in calcium. Dog food seems to be your favorite obsession and you will do anything you can to get your hands in it. The next time I can’t get you to eat your banana, I think I’ll try putting it in a bowl on the floor.

Please stop pulling things out of the bathroom trashcans.

5:45am is not Morning. It is, therefore, not an acceptable time to wake up and start the day. Particularly after waking up approximately ever hour and a half during the night for no apparent reason. Morning doesn’t start until at least 7:00am – please make a note of that and adjust your schedule accordingly.

Please stop pulling things out of my office trashcan.

You love books. It’s so much fun to read to you and watch you study the pages. Reading is the only thing that will keep you in one place while you’re awake. I do wish they made baby books that were longer than 3 pages though, as it does get a bit monotonous reading the same 5 words over. and over. and over. again.

Itsy-Bitsy Spider is the best song in the world. I have no idea why. What that supid Spider has over Little Bunny Foo Foo is beyond me. Recently we started Head & Shoulders, Knees & Toes. I can tell you like it only because you let me manipulate your hands to the motions. And for some reason you really love people touching your face, so you lean forward and stick your tongue out for “Eyes and Ears and Mouth and Nose.”

Please stop pulling things out of the recycle bin.

You love Cheerios. I love Cheerios. FINALLY there is something to keep you busy during restaurant visits that doesn’t include heating up a bottle or walking around the restaurant bouncing you up and down. For some reason you’ve always had very little patience for toys in restaurants. But Cheerios…they are God’s gift to the hungry parent who just wants five minutes to eat what she ordered.

I do not like this habit you’ve developed recently of spitting your food out when you’re done eating. If you don’t want anymore, you don’t have to put it in your mouth. But to open your mouth, accept a spoon full of squash, and then promptly spit it all over the place to signal that you’re done is really. really. really. frustrating. We’re going to have to work on the communication in this area.

Please stop pulling fuzz off the cat tree and stuffing it in your mouth.

You have your own language now. It basically consists of 4 words: Bah, Bwhah, Dooh and Ma. And what versatile words they are. I think Bah-Bah is Bottle, and I’m pretty sure that Ma-Ma is me…And Dooh (the o’s are pronounced like “book”) seems to be the cue for “do that again” but other than that I’m completely in the dark. That doesn’t stop me from enjoying your rambles though as you trapse around the house with your finger in your mouth and your other hand waiving about in the air.

Peek-a-boo behind the sheer window curtains is one of your favorite games. Just so you know, it’s kind of cheating when you can see through the curtains. But the amount of pleasure you derive from it makes it worth it.  Peek-a-boo has also recently upgraded to the bath towel, your bib, blankets, and even your little hands …whatever you can find to cover your eyes with.  It’s fun.

Ever since you could stand, you’ve made a tradition out of leaning yourself against the glass door throughout the length of my shower. Sometimes this makes it very difficult to get OUT of said shower. Recently I made the mistake of letting you crawl into the shower with me. You had the time of your life playing with the stream of water and your rubber ducky. And now it has become an obsession. The other day you cried yourself into hysterics for a good half hour because I would not open the shower door for you. I’ve created a monster.

You’ve learned how to turn the TV in the bedroom on.  And off.  And ON. And OFF. AND ON. AND OFF. AND PLEASE STOP THAT ALREADY.

Please stop plucking fur off the cat and stuffing it in your mouth.

Please stop whipping around and smearing snot all over my work clothes while I’m in the process of wiping your nose.

And please stop growing up so fast. I can hardly keep up. It’s fascinating to see you reach a new level of awareness each day, but at the same time it’s totally intimidating. Sometimes I have no idea what to do with you. Each new step is uncharted territory and I’m improvising as things come along. One day we’ll probably both look back at what an idiot I was and wonder how in the world you turned out to be so normal. I hope that’s the case.

Anyway,  I love you and I wish you understood that when I say it to you.  One day you will.

Love Always,
Mama

To see the latest pictures of Kaelin, click here.

Baby Suri Conspiracy

Filed under: Are You Kidding Me?,Current Events,Such is Life — Amy @ 3:33 pm

I love conspiracy theories. I put zero stock in them whatsoever, but I really enjoy seeing all the creativity that goes into fabricating that “alternate interpretation” of the events. I’ve heard a lot of theories this summer – government conspiracies, celebrity conspiracies, 9/11 conspiracies…

So I’ve decided to dedicate a special Theory Thursday post to what has to be my all-time favorite conspiracy ever: The Baby Suri Conspiracy.

For those who haven’t heard (in which case, what, are you living under a rock?), it goes like this:

Shortly after breaking up with Chris Klein, dear Katie found out she was pregnant with his baby. She was dating Tom at the time, and when she told him, he not only got excited about the pregnancy, he wanted everyone to think it was his. See, Tom has issues with [rumors about] his impotence, the reason he and Nicole were never able to have children of their own.

So the due date was announced to be a couple months later than what it actually was, to allow for the acceptable timeline. Once Katie actually had the baby, the couple still insisted she was pregnant. Unfortunately, sometimes she forgot to wear her enormous tummy pillow:

Katie Pregnant

After Suri was born, she was kept in hiding for several months until her actual age was less obvious. Naysayers claim she just “looks” older than she is, mostly because of the abundance of hair, but the world still remains suspicious.

Adding to the suspicion are the claims from some that baby Suri has Chris Klein’s almond eyes. In addition, there are some minor oddities about the birth certificate that also raise an eyebrow.

Now, total props to the person/s who came up with this – it’s fabulous. AND IF IT WERE TRUE – why, I think that would just be the coolest thing I’d ever heard.

On a sidenote, I decided to do some comparisons of my own because I’m not too good at judging a baby’s age.

See, Kaelin looks significantly older than she actually is, and she always has. When she was born, the most common comment we got was “She doesn’t look at all like a newborn!” Everybody we meet is in total disbelief at her age.

So I figure as far as baby comparisons go, it’s a pretty good match to see if it’s even feasable for Suri to look as old as she does.

Here’s a picture of both babies at 3 months (mine’s the one on the left):

Kaelin Suri

So what do you guys think? Is Suri really older than her birth certificate states? Do we have a bonafide conspiracy here? Does it look like they waxed her eyebrows for this photo shoot? Is my kid cuter? (Just kidding. I already know the answer to that 🙂 )

What’s your favorite conspiracy – celebrity or otherwise?

Reading, Reading, Reading.

Filed under: Blogging,Such is Life — Amy @ 9:53 am

I cannot sing and clap at the same time. It’s a disaster. Barney puts me to shame.

Likewise, I cannot seem to read blogs and blog at the same time, which is why this space has been a bit … quiet lately. I’m catching up on all of your stuff.

Dang, you people write a lot.

Cast Your Vote

Filed under: Current Events,Such is Life — Amy @ 2:07 pm

Lasik vision repair commercials have become political attack campaign ads in Dallas. There are approximately 3 parties in the Dallas area, all vying for everyone’s vote business.

There’s the infamous DOCTOR BOOTHE, who has performed more Lasik surgeries than any other human being in the history of the world. See, he’s performed more procedures than all the other doctors in the world combined, TIMES FOUR. In fact, if you take the world’s human population and triple it – THAT’s how many laser procedures Dr. Boothe has performed. And counting.

But that mean ol’ Dr. Boothe will undoubtedly treat you like an insignificant bug that he’s wiping off his windsheild. Why subject yourself to that when you can go to the much less suffocating office of Carter Eye Center, who understands that you’re a real person [insert four dozen testimony quotes here from individuals who don’t want to be treated like a statistic]. After all, Carter Eye Center has the most advanced technology, unlike those other guys who are doing it in the back room with a scalpel and wash cloth. Advanced Technology and nice people are the only things that really matter when somebody is cutting into your eye!

But Key-Whitman Eye Center is truly the only choice. Because other doctors visit Key-Whitman to have their procedures done. They don’t visit Dr. I Created The Eye – NOOOO SIRRRREEEEE. And Key Whitman is constantly bringing in new equipment and experimenting with it on the patients staying at the forefront of the available technological advances in the industry. But the main point is, that when it comes to your eyes, you don’t want to make your own decision – no, you want to go to the same doctor that your doctor went to when he had HIS procedure done. Because obviously your gastroenterologist has the inside scoop on eye procedures.

The election will be held at the end of the month and the candidates are busy collecting campaign funds and proclaiming their causes to better the city’s vision. The winner will be proclaimed Grand Poobah of the Eyes over Texas and will be awarded the Golden Scalpel to the City.

What Moms Want Dads To Know

Filed under: Blogging,Parenting,Such is Life — Amy @ 6:43 pm

I received this email today and thought I would pass it on to you guys in case any of you are interested in participating and possibly having your quote included in the printed book. (Sorry dads, you have to sit this one out)

The link to the website is http://whatmomswantdadstoknow.blogspot.com/.

Hello,

I‘m co-writing a second book with a mom, Jesse Rutherford, titled “What Moms Want Dads to Know About Them.”

Jesse and I are gathering material for this book about moms for dads. (Our first book “Men Behaving Dadly” is about dads for moms. Read more about it below.) If you (and your readers) have concerns, frustrations, and confusion about how your husband parents or about your role as a mom that you can’t seem to discuss openly with your husband, the following blog http://whatmomswantdadstoknow.blogspot.com/ is a place for you and your readers to discuss them.

To share your thoughts, your perspective on parenting, with me, Jesse, and other dads, click on “Comment” and post your thoughts. Jesse and I will personally read all comments that are posted to this blog and may even publish them in the book.

The inspiration for writing this book came from the first book Jesse and I just finished – “Men Behaving Dadly: What Dads Want Moms to Know About Them” (due out Summer 2007). This book gives moms and in-depth look into a father‘s perspective on caring for a baby and parenting. For more info about the book you can log on to the Men Behaving Dadly Blog at http://www.menbehavingdadly.blogspot.com/.

Jesse and I would appreciate it if you forward this information to your blogging audience and add our blogs to your Link list.

Keep On Mommying,

Hogan Hilling
Author and Motivational Speaker

Too Sleepy to Think of a Title

Filed under: Confessions,Such is Life — Amy @ 10:17 pm

J has been gone on a business trip and will be back tomorrow. Yay! I’m getting a little weary of doing both the all-night shift AND the morning shift.

In the meantime, Kaelin and I have had the house to ourselves, which means I can do things like leave my shoes in the middle of the floor*, stay up as late as I want, and run through the house to the bathroom, flapping my arms and singing “I must pee-pee” to the tune of “I Feel Pretty.”

Just kidding about that last part. I don’t actually do that.

No seriously. I don’t.

You don’t believe me. I can tell by the look in your eye. You guys are worse than the cop.

Speaking of which, I went to the courthouse today to reschedule one of my court dates (as it stands, the appearance for the first ticket is scheduled before the appearance for the second ticket** – and since the first issue is entirely dependent upon the dismissal of the second issue, it can’t very well be handled before the second issue has been resolved) and actually spoke with a city employee who seemed to have some idea of what she was talking about.

I use “seemed” with much trepidation, because they always “seem” to know what they’re talking about. They do everything with utmost confidence, until you ask them enough questions and realize that everything they’re telling you with such confidence a) contradicts itself, b) contradicts what every other employee tells you, and c) isn’t remotely true.

So we’ll see if this supervisory lady really knew what she was talking about, or if she just totally screwed me over by recommending that I NOT change my court date and instead tell the judge about the conundrum and ask him to realign the resolution of the first case with the timing of the second.

Phew. This whole thing is getting confusing, even to me. Basically, the facts are:

  1. The city in which I live either makes a point to hire incompetent people, or refuses to train them (I’m not sure which).
  2. Policemen can be jerks.
  3. My lawyer is an idiot.
  4. I’m sleepy. Good night.

. . . . .

* I have to make a disclaimer here so that J doesn’t give me grief for it – having him home does not actually prevent me from leaving my shoes in the middle of the floor. I am, consequently, the primary cause of several of his near-death experiences.

    ** thanx to my imbecile lawyer who keeps rescheduling my court date for no reason. I regret that I didn’t pay him with a credit card so I could charge back the amount on account of misrepresenting himself to be proporting my best interest.

Ain't No Snake Charmer

Filed under: Are You Kidding Me?,Such is Life — Amy @ 9:22 pm

I don’t like surprises (unless it involves chocolate). I particularly don’t like surprises that occur when I’m standing in my bathroom completely naked (and J isn’t home). I especially don’t like surprises that involve bending down to move something and suddenly seeing a sliver of the floor jump. And I REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t like surprises that include the realization that no, my floor is not moving…that is in fact a snake. S-N-A-K-E. In my bathroom.

By now you probably have some idea of the event that took place this morning while I was attempting to conduct my daily hygiene routine.

When I accidentally startled the snake, it jumped back about 2 inches. I subsequently jumped back about 6 feet.

It was just a little guy. A garter snake, probably. But I don’t like snakes. And because I don’t like snakes, the first thought that occurred to me was not, “It’s just a little garter snake.”

It was more along the lines of “A large poisonous snake has laid eggs in my house and they have hatched and now there is an infestation of baby biting reptiles that are going to jump out of the closet and chase us away!”

I’m not particularly rational when it involves snakes.

After the moment of panic had passed (I use that term lightly…more like was forcefully roped in by the realization that I had to do something about the snake in my bathroom), I grabbed a shoe box.

Actually, in a rather Garden of Eden-esque moment, for some reason I felt the compulsive need to clothe myself before attending to my little guest. Then I grabbed the shoe box.

I coaxed the little guy into the box, affixed the lid, and gently set it in the bath tub.

I then leaped back and hopped around the bathroom, flailing my limbs in the Phobic Freak Out Dance (complete with chanted whimpers), while simultaneously glancing around every edge of the bathroom floor to make sure it there weren’t any other little “buddies” lurking around.

I don’t like surprises. I hate snakes. And the thing that still bothers me is that I can’t figure out any rational explanation for how a garter snake got into the bathroom on the second story of my house.

And now, I will leave you with this deep thought from the enlightening Jack Handy:

A funny thing to do is, if you’re out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you’re going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who’s going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That’s why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

I Must Be Getting Old

Filed under: Makes Me Grumpy,Such is Life — Amy @ 8:53 pm

There are 231 blog entries in my Bloglines, waiting to be read. Instead, I have spent an irritating amount of time online today in a seemingly fruitless attempt to find the aforementioned photo holder cards at a price that doesn’t make my finger start twitching when attempting to click the “Add to cart” button.

I think the real problem here is just that I need a photography budget. Every year, $2,000 just needs to drop out of the sky and into my bank account for such things as photo paper, professional prints, cards, reprints, ink cartridges, postage, frames, etc. Now is that so hard?

We went to the mall today. That was a mistake. Unavoidable, really, because J had to pick up some stuff for a business trip he’s taking next week, but still. I make a point to only go malling when school is in session.

I don’t know why students irritate me so much, but they do. Maybe it’s the incessant talking. The high-pitched voices that think they have to yell in order to carry on a conversation. Maybe it’s the constant cell phone activity. Maybe it’s the sheer number of them. Or the fact that they walk in big groups, taking 3 steps per minute. Whatever it is, they drive me crazy.

Was I that annoying as a young person? Probably. Will I ever really believe that in my heart of hearts? Not for a minute.

The other thing that annoys me about the particular mall we were at today is the complete lack of social manners. It’s like being in New York. If you’re not standing directly in front of the elevator doors when they open, everybody else will push their way past you and you’re left standing there watching the doors close.

J griped at me for choking the elevator space while we were waiting. “People have to get off, you know.” So the next time, I stood a little further back, and sure enough…

J and I were patiently watiing for the elevator, when the door opened. The people inside got out, some people in front of us got on, then this lady with two kids totally ran past us and took up the last available space in the elevator. And we were left standing there like, NO WE DIDN’T ACTUALLY WANT TO GET ON, WE’RE JUST STANDING IN LINE HERE BECAUSE WE LIKE PUSHING THE BUTTON.

HAVE A NICE RIDE, BUTTMUNCH.

Rude people suck. Teenagers suck.

Filed under: Confessions,Photography,Such is Life — Amy @ 6:43 pm
Kaelin2006.08.30.jpg

So I know I’m not the only parent victimized by whim to the point of stopping in one of those dinky drop-in portrait studios in the mall. I can tell this because there are in fact SIX said portrait studios in the same mall and they all manage to stay in business.

I am, however, apparently the only person on the planet who wishes to send pictures to people I know using those blank greeting cards that are really frames on the front that you slide the picture into. I’m drawing this conclusion based on the fact that I CAN’T. FIND. THEM. ANYWHERE.

Unless I want to pay $500 Kazillion to order specially made, Christmas-themed ones. But I don’t want Christmas themed. I want baby themed, or just-because themed.

Or I could pick up some plain white ones at Michaels, but then I have to decorate them myself. Ugh.

Any suggestions???

Oddities

So I got this advertisement from National Car Rentals, trying to get me to sign up for the Emerald Club. On the front of the brochure is a picture of a cross-eyed woman with shampoo in her hair.

Does anyone see the connection there?

And in other news, did you know that if you start yelling at the automated telephone operator on Travelocity because it CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SEPTEMBER AND OCTOBER, that the Roaming Gnome gets on the line and starts telling you jokes?

ATO: To cancel your reservation, first give me the city and date of your planned trip so I can look up the record.

Me: (for the third time) Chicago, September 14th.

ATO: I’m sorry, I don’t see any trip planned for October the 14th. To try another date…

Me: SEPTEMBER. SEPTEMBER 14TH.

ATO: Ok. Main Menu. To make a reservation, say ‘Make a Reservation.’

Me: AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

Roaming Gnome: Hello. I ran into a chap the other day who was a watchmaker. I asked him how business was going. He said, ‘Great – where else can I get paid to sit around all day and make faces?’

ATO: Now that we’ve brighted your day, please choose from the following options…

I hate automated telephone operators.

Am I the only person on Earth who hasn't heard of this?

Filed under: Guest Blog,Such is Life — Amy @ 9:24 pm

Actually, the real question is, am I the only person on Earth still recovering after throwing up because of this???

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go visit Jane Loves Tarzan (my Guest Blog, over there —–>) to find out.

I don't have a category for "Miscellaneous Nothing" posts

Filed under: Such is Life — Amy @ 12:05 pm

I have this post saved in my Drafts folder that was inspired by my guest blogger, Jane. But I’m having a harder time writing it than I thought I would. So there it sits.

In the meantime, a question for the forum…Is it bad that yesterday my daughter pooped out a rather large mass of carpet?

In other news, my lawyer called today.   He said he got my court date rescheduled.   He told me I had 2 warrants out for my arrest for not showing up at court.   Then he said he was kidding.

I told him where he could put his joke.

About Me

Hi. I'm Amy. I started this website in 2005 as a place to deposit my journal and photos. It has gone through a few incarnations and masquerades as a family site, but since I'm the only one who contributes to it, it's really all about ME, ME, ME.

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