Archive for the ‘Houses’ Category

How to Sell a House

J and I went browsing this weekend for a new house and based upon what we witnessed, we would like to offer the following suggestions for anyone out there who may be wondering why their house has been on the market for a long time:

  1. Your selling agent has called and told you when we will be coming by. Take the hint and LEAVE. I do not want to be opening your closet while you’re standing there.
  2. If you insist on sticking around while people browse through your house, please wait until we are gone before taking that HUGE SMELLY DUMP THAT STINKS UP THE ENTIRE TOP FLOOR. You know, I may have wanted to see that bathroom, or any part of the upstairs for that matter.
  3. If you choose to vacate the house, take all your children with you, even if you think your 3-year-old will sleep through an avalanche. We are homebuyers (and strangers!), not babysitters. Don’t make me call Child Welfare.
  4. Do not lie in the realtor’s description of the property. If your house hasn’t been recently painted, WE WILL KNOW when we show up and there are dirt smudges all over the walls. And we will wonder what else you lied about.
  5. It helps if the house looks as though it’s been cleaned sometime in the last 5 years.
  6. If you have 3 dogs and 2 cats, please stop kidding yourself with that puny little air freshner. YOUR HOUSE STINKS. Have your pets and your carpets professionally cleaned. And wipe WHATEVER THAT IS off the wall.
  7. You may think that despite the fact that you have removed all the furniture from the house, the pair of sandals on the porch give it a “homey” feeling. The dead bird in the shoe does NOT, however, support your cause.
  8. If your weeds are taller than your trees, you might be a … turnoff.
  9. Please refrain from cooking overly oderous ethnic meals within 24 hours before showing your house. I’m sure the food tasted great at the time, but the stale after-smells make us wonder what died in your kitchen.
  10. If you have a dog that is not fully potty trained, please do not leave it roaming free around the house while you’re away. Yes, puppies are cute. But we’re not buying the puppy, and we’re certainly not buying the carpet he’s currently tracking poop all over.

Brilliant!

Filed under: Baby Names,Houses,Pregnancy — Amy @ 12:58 pm

So we’re hoping to buy a house when our lease expires in June. There’s just a small problem with the downpayment, or lack thereof. But never fear, being the ingenious people we are, we have devised a way to raise the funds neccessary for our dream house.

We can put our baby’s name up for auction on Ebay.

We think this prospect could easily bring in a few hundred thousand dollars, and would be a spectacular deal for the company who paid for the advertisement, because unlike the guy who auctioned off his forehead for 3 months, this advertising could last like 85 years! It would be at least 18 years before the kid could legally change his/her name, right?

And if your name is Frito Lay, you’re bound to get some attention, so the company wouldn’t have to worry about guaranteed exposure.

Are we brilliant or what?

Martha Stewart, I am not

“I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”

-Joan Rivers

I might be having company tonight, so I cleaned the house. Hear that everybody? I CLEANED THE HOUSE. I vacuumed, emptied the dishwasher, filled the dishwasher, dusted the mantle and tables (even the little ones in the bedroom), cleared the countertops (no small feat in our house), cleaned the countertops, watched the dog track dirty paws all over the freshly vacuumed carpet, and mopped the kitchen floor…well, at least the part you walk on.

It’s really not the cleaning part of housework I hate so much. It’s not really the fact that it takes forever to accomplish such temporary results. It’s not even the fact that dirty bathrooms are icky and I can’t stand to clean them (I solve that by putting Jens in charge of bathroom cleaning).

It’s the fact that when I’m finished, YOU CAN’T TELL I EVER DID ANYTHING.

We live in an ugly house. There’s no getting around that. The walls are dark (except for the squares of swooshing pastel textured paper) and the carpet is dirty (and it’s that burber stuff so you can’t tell where you’ve vacuumed), and there simply isn’t enough light in the house to escape notions of living in a cave. So when I’m done cleaning and I wipe my hands and look around…I can’t tell the difference between when I started and when I’ve finished.

So why, you might ask, do I ever bother cleaning in the first place? The answer is quite simple, and it’s the same reason I never cheated on tests and have dreams about assignments that aren’t completed on time.

Guilt. I don’t have enough to make me keep a clean house, but do have just enough to occasionally embark on a cleaning fit. (And yes, I am holding an experiment to see how many times I can use the word “clean” in a single post. Clean clean clean. So there.) I think it goes back to my theory about finding the meaning of life in balance. Some, yes, but not too much.

I dated a guy once who thought I would make a good Mormon wife. HA. He would have been sorely disappointed. I don’t even make a good Baptist wife half the time. I live in constant bafflement at how I managed to secure such a wonderfully patient and laid-back husband. Who is willing to wait until I’m ready to have kids (we’re pretending that he has a choice here).

So I have a (mostly) clean house now. There are still piles of laundry spewing out of the bathtub, which we use as a back-up laundry hamper because the drain doesn’t work…and because it’s one of the few places the dog doesn’t sneak in to steal dirty socks…and yes, because we’re dreadfully lazy people who hate to do laundry. Especially me.

So if you live in Dallas and get an invitation to come over for dinner, it’s because the house is clean and we feel obligated to take advantage of it. Accept that invitation, because you won’t get another one for 6 months.

PS: Please don’t tell me I’m shallow because I’m annoyed that we own the ugliest house in the neighborhood. You would be very wrong. I’m annoyed that we rent the ugliest house in the neighborhood. Geesh.

About Me

Hi. I'm Amy. I started this website in 2005 as a place to deposit my journal and photos. It has gone through a few incarnations and masquerades as a family site, but since I'm the only one who contributes to it, it's really all about ME, ME, ME.

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