Archive for the ‘How To…’ Category

How To Really Piss Off Consumers

Filed under: How To...,Teh Internets — Amy @ 9:29 pm

Large phone companies and telecom-equipment makers are developing plans that would blow up the flat-fee structure for high-speed Internet access and instead charge customers different rates based on how much bandwidth, or Internet capacity, they use.

Otherwise known as that would really bite.

How to Make Me VERY VERY HAPPY

Filed under: Houses,How To...,Makes Me Happy,Moving — Amy @ 1:04 pm

Call me to say you spoke with the listing agent today and the contract previously pending on the house we wanted to buy fell through, and that we now have the option to step in and negotiate a contract on our perfect dream house.

YIPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

How to Make Me VERY VERY Grumpy

Filed under: Don't Make Me Cut You,Houses,How To...,Makes Me Grumpy,Moving — Amy @ 11:14 am

Put an offer on our perfect dream house the day we find it. GRRRRRR.

Yesterday, I almost wrote an elloquent description of this fabulous house we found on Sunday. It was, without a doubt, the best house for us that we had seen in our search of over 20 houses and we were going to buy it. It was exactly what we were looking for in every respect.

Our real estate agent called yesterday to start negotiations and BAM. Somebody beat us to it. Then we discovered that somebody has also beat us to our second choice home.

Back to square one. Sigh.

How to Annoy Me

Hire a person to answer and take phone orders who doesn’t understand English.

How to Sell a House

J and I went browsing this weekend for a new house and based upon what we witnessed, we would like to offer the following suggestions for anyone out there who may be wondering why their house has been on the market for a long time:

  1. Your selling agent has called and told you when we will be coming by. Take the hint and LEAVE. I do not want to be opening your closet while you’re standing there.
  2. If you insist on sticking around while people browse through your house, please wait until we are gone before taking that HUGE SMELLY DUMP THAT STINKS UP THE ENTIRE TOP FLOOR. You know, I may have wanted to see that bathroom, or any part of the upstairs for that matter.
  3. If you choose to vacate the house, take all your children with you, even if you think your 3-year-old will sleep through an avalanche. We are homebuyers (and strangers!), not babysitters. Don’t make me call Child Welfare.
  4. Do not lie in the realtor’s description of the property. If your house hasn’t been recently painted, WE WILL KNOW when we show up and there are dirt smudges all over the walls. And we will wonder what else you lied about.
  5. It helps if the house looks as though it’s been cleaned sometime in the last 5 years.
  6. If you have 3 dogs and 2 cats, please stop kidding yourself with that puny little air freshner. YOUR HOUSE STINKS. Have your pets and your carpets professionally cleaned. And wipe WHATEVER THAT IS off the wall.
  7. You may think that despite the fact that you have removed all the furniture from the house, the pair of sandals on the porch give it a “homey” feeling. The dead bird in the shoe does NOT, however, support your cause.
  8. If your weeds are taller than your trees, you might be a … turnoff.
  9. Please refrain from cooking overly oderous ethnic meals within 24 hours before showing your house. I’m sure the food tasted great at the time, but the stale after-smells make us wonder what died in your kitchen.
  10. If you have a dog that is not fully potty trained, please do not leave it roaming free around the house while you’re away. Yes, puppies are cute. But we’re not buying the puppy, and we’re certainly not buying the carpet he’s currently tracking poop all over.

How to Make Me Grumpy

Filed under: How To...,Makes Me Grumpy,Peaves,Work — Amy @ 6:22 pm

Call up our office and ask how many of our products are floating around in Texas. When I tell you there’s really no way to get an accurate figure on that, tell me you weren’t born yesterday.

First of all, I could care less when you were born. Second, I have neither the inclination nor imagination to make up answers to distributor questions just to see how naive you are. To assume that I’m deliberately trying to mislead you is insulting and inappropriate.

Then, respond to my silence by telling me you’re a “smart ass” as though it’s some kind of ailment that excuses rude behavior and THE COMPLETE LACK OF DISCERNMENT BETWEEN “WITTY” AND “OFFENSIVE.” That’s not a smart-ass. That’s just an ass.

And it’s not an apology when you’re proud of it.

About Me

Hi. I'm Amy. I started this website in 2005 as a place to deposit my journal and photos. It has gone through a few incarnations and masquerades as a family site, but since I'm the only one who contributes to it, it's really all about ME, ME, ME.

Latest Photos