Archive for the ‘Don’t Make Me Cut You’ Category

Don’t Be a Moron

Filed under: Don't Make Me Cut You,Pets,Stupid People — Amy @ 1:44 pm

Ok, can we just talk about something that is slowly but surely moving past the point of “pet peeve” and into the realm of “makes me stabby?”

Irresponsible dog owners.

I have spent the past 7 years living in two states where it seems like everybody, including myself, owns a dog. And during that time it has become all too clear that there is a prevalence of a certain breed, if you will, of dog owners that borders on reckless. Folks in this category are either too stupid to realize or too inconsiderate to care that their pets are a menace.

And I for one, am tired of encountering them and fending off their beasts.

I hope you’re not one of these people, but in case you’re worried about it, let’s go though a few litmus tests:

If you think the “All Dogs Must Be On a Leash” rule at the park doesn’t apply to your dog, you are a moron.

That’s great that your dog can walk by your side without a leash on. It doesn’t mean he will continue to walk by your side once he passes MY dog – who can’t escape because he IS on a leash.  And if you’re on a bicycle, it’s going to take you entirely too long to assess the situation, turn around, get off your bike, and intervene.  Meanwhile, your dog has already swallowed half my dog’s head.

Also, I don’t care how well trained you think your enormous brute is.  If you let him roam freely around the park because he gets more exercise that way, don’t act surprised when he makes a beeline for my dog and clobbers him.  And I don’t care if you’re 80 years old, I will scream at you for letting it happen.  Especially the second time.  I go the park to exercise, not to stand still, holding my dog in my arms until you get your ass over there to call off Bruno.

If you think your dog knows where your property line ends, you are a moron.

Look, if you want a ferocious guard dog to keep your property safe, that’s your deal.  But if you think for a MINUTE that he’s going to keep his ferociousness within your unfenced boundary, you’re just kidding yourself and putting other people in danger.  I know not to run from dogs, but when I’m jogging by your house – on the OTHER side of the street – with my headphones on, I’m not going to notice that your 100-lb German shepherd is trying to chase me down until he has a hold of my ankle.

If you think your large, aggressive/protective dog has any business being off-leash, you are a moron.

Kaelin and I were taking Hastings for a walk this week.  Our driveway is long and passes a neighbor’s property.  We could see the large dog on the porch 100 feet away (200 feet? I can’t judge distance to save my life), barking his head off like he was fully prepared to rip us to bits.  “I hope he’s on a leash,” I muttered to Kaelin as we continued on our way.  Suddenly, the dog quit barking and disappeared.

Guess who was waiting for us at the end of our driveway.  Our walk was cut short as we turned around and headed back.

I have enough to worry about with keeping my dog and children safe from moose and bears.  I don’t need to be trapped in my own driveway by your stupid dog.

If you think that just because your dog is generally benign, he should roam free and unsupervised, you are a moron.

Ok, aside from the obvious issue of him getting hit by a car or attacked by another dog or wild animal…

There’s a dog on our road that is old and probably half deaf and spends most of his day sitting by the road watching the cars go by.  Nice dog, not aggressive.  But curious.  So when I passed this house with my dog, while walking the mile to the mailboxes, he came bounding toward us.

I have a shiba inu.  He’s fast, and a bit on the hyper side when he gets excited.  His quick, jerky movements are sometimes interpreted by other dogs as aggressive behavior or an invitation to body slam.  Also, he tends to distrust other dogs and is quick to snap when he feels cornered because he’s on a leash.  So even the nicest dogs can get the signals crossed and the next thing I know, I’m by myself trying to break up a row between two frustrated animals with sharp teeth.

People, please don’t be morons.  Leash and fence your dogs.  If not for others’ sake, do it to spare your dog from the pain of my pepper spray.

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A Simple Request

On Saturday, we made a special trip to Red Robin, one of our favorite restaurants and one that we seldom get to visit because the closest one is over half an hour away. They have great food and Kaelin always gets a balloon – which, to a 2-year-old, is pretty much as close to Heaven as it gets.

We told the host that there were three people in our party and one (Kaelin) needed a highchair. We were led to a table for two. At Red Robin, a table for two is just that – there is no room for a third plate, and certainly not for the kids’ menu place mat they always give you.

“I don’t think we’ll be able to fit at this table. There are three of us.”
“We can extend the table.”

There were approximately 12 inches between that table and the ones on each side of it (which were occupied). If they extended the table, the people sitting next to us would not be able to get out of their booths. And there would still be no room for a highchair.

We explained this to the host and asked if we could just have a bigger table. Seeing several large tables empty around us, we didn’t think this would be a problem. He said ok, and went back to the front for a new table assignment. He then returned and led us to … anther table for two.

“This table isn’t any bigger than the last one,” I explained to him. “We have three people and this is a table for two.”

He muttered some excuse about how he doesn’t know how many people the tables seat. I stood there blinking at him, trying to comprehend the fact that evidently COUNTING THE CHAIRS at the table was a concept too advanced for him.

He then asked us if we wanted a booth instead. Looking around, I saw several booths nearby that were clearly meant for 4 people and would allow us the space we needed. “Sure, that would be fine.”

He then led us halfway across the restaurant to … yet another table for two.

At this point, I began to lose my patience. “Is there a reason that we cannot get a table that will seat THREE PEOPLE?” I gestured at one of the many empty table around that would suffice.

He looked at the table I had indicated and told me that he couldn’t seat us there because they couldn’t put a highchair at that booth.

I saw other non-booth tables available that could have accommodated highchairs. I considered pointing that out, but was afraid his brain might derail and explode at the possibility of other options.

I asked him dully if they had any booster seats, and the reply was yes.

Then please bring us a booster seat and take us to a larger table.

Somehow, we finally made it to a table that had enough room for the three of us and our meals – and boy, were we hungry at that point. Next time, I may just tell them we have 5 in our party, and hope we end up with a table for 4.

Sometimes I Think The Amish Have it Right

Low and behold, we now have internet and phone.   It took Time Warner 3 days, 6,531 phone calls and a supervisor visit to figure it out.   And they were only able to get the wireless internet working because J went up there and figured it out for them.

And in other technically frustrating moments, this is an excerpt from the “Help” section of this new web-based email program I’m trying to configure:

  • To reply to the sender of the message, click ‘Reply’.
  • To reply to the sender of the message and to all other recipients of this message, click ‘Reply All’.
  • To forward the message to another email address, click ‘Forward’.
  • To add the sender to your address book, click ‘add to contacts’.

The entire help section consists of those kind of statements.   Truthfully, the person who actually finds that HELPFUL should probably not be operating email.

There is, naturally, nothing in the “help” section that moves beyond the level of “Ridiculously Intuitive.”   For instance, WHY does the “Check Mail” button disappear if there are no previously downloaded messages sitting in my Inbox?   Of course, nothing in the “help” section even comes close to dealing with that issue.

But GUESS WHAT??   There’s even an FAQ section, full of SIX questions that can be answered by LOOKING AT THE SCREEN.

Can I send HTML formatted email messages?
YES!   Check the box that says “Use HTML formatting editor!”

Can I add a signature to my email?

How do I add someone to my address book?
This one’s a little tricky, you might want to write this down:   You click ADDRESS BOOK.   And then?   You click “ADD SOMEONE.”

I have serious doubts that these questions are asked frequently for 2 reasons:

  1. People who ask these questions are not people who can figure out how to submit a Contact Us form.
  2. There is no Contact Us form and no way to communicate with anyone for assistance, and therefore no way for ANYONE to ask questions.

Thanks, guys.

Now I remember why we left Time Warner in the first place.

Ooh, the internet… I can finally get my fix. The withdrawal symptoms were killing me.

I hate Time Warner. There internal communication structure must be akin to sending messenger rats.   Because nobody is on the same page as anybody else, and nobody seems to know what’s going on, though they’ll all swear up and down that they know. Unfortunately (unlike the last city we lived in), we don’t have any other options.

Even though we technically have internet now, I can only use it if I’m sitting on the floor in the media room because my computer has to be directly plugged into the box.

The technician came out here today to install the wireless internet and – get this – didn’t have any wireless internet equipment. So he has to come back tomorrow to finish the job. WTH???


Ahem. Sorry. Withdrawal symptoms coming out again.

He was also supposed to install our phone line while he was here and left without doing that either. According to him, he couldn’t get it done today because there was something Customer Service was supposed to do that hadn’t been done (he wouldn’t tell me what “it” was) so I had to call customer service because they needed to talk to me before they would do “it.”

Customer Service had no idea what I was talking about. But rather than wait for me to call them, Technician Guy just left – so he wasn’t there to explain it to them.

They finally determined that the problem was due to the fact that the line wasn’t scheduled to be activated until 2:04 pm, and once 2:04 pm got here everything would be fine.

So let me get this straight… They scheduled a technician to set up our phone line at 9am, but then scheduled the phone line activation for after 2pm, knowing that the line activation was necessary for the tech to finish his job. Again, WTH???

I tried to tell them that no, that couldn’t have been what the technician was talking about because he said there was something he was unable to do, so he would have to come back out here before the phone would work. But they assured me that wasn’t the case. I asked them to call Technician Guy to figure out what he meant, but they pretty much ignored that idea.

Well guess what. 2:04pm came and went and still no phone service.

On my second call to customer service (which was actually my 5th call, but we won’t go there) the Customer Service Rep determined that the technician was waiting for them to send a signal to the modem or something. Which they did in like half a second. I pleaded with her to just CALL THE TECHNICIAN to figure out if that was in fact all he was talking about. She said she knew he meant and left it at that.

Time Warner employees must grow warts if they actually make an effort to communicate with the technicians. That’s all I can figure with the way they avoid it.

Assuming Customer Service Rep #2 was correct, I’m incredulous that the technician decided to LEAVE without finishing the job, as opposed to wait for 5 seconds to have this done. So now we’re another day without a phone.

Did I mention that this is the only house I have ever been in where my cell phone doesn’t get a decent signal?


Protected: Me and Limbo Do NOT Get Along

Filed under: Don't Make Me Cut You,Just Shoot Me,Work — Amy @ 2:43 pm

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Dear Old Dude,

Filed under: Don't Make Me Cut You,Pets,Stupid People — Amy @ 4:40 pm

I realize that you are probably exceedingly fond of your canine companion, and I will even give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that in most cases, your dog is probably a shining model of good behavior.

Even so, this shouldn’t lead you to believe that you are somehow exempt from the area’s leash laws, or that your dog is behaviorally “above” the need for a leash.

Because when your 150-lb dog comes barreling toward my 25-lb Shiba Inu and starts attacking him, I will freak out very loudly while waiting on you to make your way over and “GET A LEASH ON YOUR DAMNED DOG!”

Obviously, you don’t take a hint, as evidenced by the fact that on the return home, your dog was again on the loose and you were nowhere in sight. When he again bounded in our direction, I had to pick up my dog and stand there waiting for you to show up and retrieve yours.

Frankly, I find your behavior in this situation to be inappropriate, inconsiderate, and dangerous. I don’t know if you are really a jerk, or just stupid, but if I ever see you on the public trail again with your dog unleashed, the city police will be receiving a call and you will lose approximately 2 months of social security.


A dog owner who prefers to bring her dog home in once piece

In which I tell J to get the shotgun.

Filed under: Don't Make Me Cut You,Makes Me Grumpy — Amy @ 2:48 am

And then think better of it and opt for calling the police.

Remember the idiot whose car horn goes off every morning?   He’s got a New! Alarm! now – one of those fancy zango ones that does 6 different screams and chirping patterns in repetition.

And it’s malfunctioning.

It’s gone off 34 35 36 times in the last half hour.   It’s hard enough to get Kaelin to sleep these days and it’s a complete miracle she hasn’t woken up yet but if she does I swear I’m going over there with a sledge hammer.

And the fool has either left his car in the street while he’s not home or he’s too much of an ass to do anything about it.

The cops are here now and I’d better see that sucker towed away.

Nope.   The car owner is outside now.   After half an hour of listening to his car scream, it takes the cops showing up to get him to do anything about it???

And now the cops are gone and the alarm is still malfunctioning.


Stupid Things That Really Piss Me Off

  1. Lying, stupid, lying, incompetent, misleading, lying, stupid Insurance Brokers who tell lies and are stupid*
  2. Toilet paper holders in public bathrooms that have stoppers on them so you can only pull off 3 sheets at a time. I should not have to spend this long and this much effort acquiring an acceptable amount of material with which to wipe my butt.
  3. Radio sound bites of cars honking. Those things have come close to running me off the road on many an occasion

  4. *UPDATE: There is a good ending to the story. Continental General Life Insurance is great. Even though they were under no obligation to refund my money because it wasn’t their fault my policy wasn’t canceled when I canceled it, they sent me a check in the mail with a letter entitling me to a full refund. I explained the situation to them and three days later I had a check in my mailbox.

I am STILL waiting on the check Benefits Direct promised me over a MONTH AGO. Ahem.

So…what pisses you off?


idiot: n (id-ee-ott) an individual seemingly incapable of unlocking his/her car before attempting to open the door, thereby setting off the car alarm repeatedly, multiple times per day.   Usually a source of irritation to his/her neighbors.
Example: The guy who parks his car in front of our house is an idiot.  

There Ain’t No Pill for Stupid

I nearly lost my mind today. As mentioned previously, I have quite honestly never come so close to going postal on a customer service person. In fact, I believe the only thing that gave me enough motivation to hold it in was the security guy in the corner wearing the guns.

The whole thing started when my attorney called this morning. He was going to appear for me this morning at 9am and had discussed with the court the possibility that he would be delayed by another case, so to hold a 1:30pm opening as well, just in case he couldn’t make the first appointment. They had agreed.

When he showed up at 9am, he was told that the court time had been MOVED to 1:30pm, evidently some clerk error, because that was not what had been discussed. The judge would not see him at 9am because he no longer had a court appointment for that time.

So he filed the papers for a rescheduling because he would be unable to make the 1:30pm appointment time, as his schedule had been arranged such that he would be across town at that time. He called me and told me to show up for the 1:30 appointment, that he wouldn’t be there, but it would be unneccessary because the only thing happening was that the judge was “signing off” on the extension request. All I had to do was listen to the verdict and call him to let him know when the rescheduled time was.

So I show up at the court, take my seat, and the (clerk? I don’t know who he was) came out and called a bunch of names. Everyone around me went inside, but I’m not worried because I’m half an hour early. Then he asks me if I’m waiting for my lawyer.

“No, he said he didn’t need to be here.”

“He has to be here. The judge won’t speak to you without a lawyer.”

“But he told me just to show up, that it wasn’t required for him to be here for this.”

“He has to be here. Once you’re represented by a lawyer, the judge doesn’t speak to you without him present. Get on the phone and tell him to get his butt up here.”

So I call Steve.

“They’re telling me you have to be here.”

“No, they’re wrong. Just tell them that I was already there and filed for a Continuation. They’ll know.”

By this time the (clerk?) has gone back into the courtroom. I ask the security guy if he’s planning to come back out, that I need to tell him something. Security Guy directs me to the window.

Yes, the “take a number and wait 5 hours” window.

So I take my number and wait. When I get to the window, I explain the situation to the employee.

“Your lawyer has to be here.”

“But he filed paperwork this morning for a Continuation. He told me he didn’t need to be here for that, that I was just to come in and get the result.”

“Let me look up your account.”

She looks up my info and proceeds to tell me that my about something being filed yesterday and makes a comment about both my tickets. Both??? There should only be one ticket.

She then prints off a page stating that my court date has been set for September 19. I look at the top of the page.

“I don’t think this is right. It says it’s for a speeding ticket. I don’t have a speeding ticket. My ticket is for cutting a corner.”

“You don’t have a speeding ticket?”

“No. I had a speeding ticket a long time ago, but it’s been taken care of. It shouldn’t even show up on my record because I deferred it and that’s over.”

She goes away for a while getting clarification and comes back to tell me that she fixed it. But that I still have two outstanding tickets. What did she fix?

“What I’m trying to find out is on the OTHER ticket. My lawyer filed a Continuance. I’m trying to find out the results of THAT.”

“I don’t see anything on the other ticket. That court date was still set for today at 1pm. He has to be here for that.”

“But he told me he DIDN’T have to be here because he filed a Continuance.”

“No, he was here this morning. He stood at my window and I told him he had to be here today, that it was very important that he be here at 1PM.”

“So he has to be here for me to find out the result of the Continuance request?”

“Yes. I don’t show any records that it has been decided yet, so I can’t tell you.”

“But that’s what I’m here for. So that the judge can DECIDE. That’s what he’s supposed to do during my court time.”

“But he won’t see you without your lawyer.”

So I call my lawyer. Which means I have to get out of line because Window Lady won’t talk to me if I’m on my cell phone. Lawyer tells me that what they’re saying is wrong, that if they’re going to be idiots about it, I should just leave because I can’t do more than try. And that there will be a record that I did in fact show up, and that nobody would see me.

“Will I get in trouble for leaving without seeing the judge or anything?”

“No, you don’t have to see the judge. The worst that could happen is that they’ll issue a warrant for your arrest. But we can easily have that reversed.”

A warrant for my arrest? That makes me feel a LOT BETTER. Here I am just trying to get something resolved correctly, doing everything I’m told to do, and now I’m afraid that the cops are going show up at work and drag me away in handcuffs to the Police Station.

And we all know how I feel about the local Police force. The overstaffed police force (I can’t go to the mailbox without seeing a patrol car drive by) whose members jump at any and every opportunity to do a little fundraising (the other day I saw TWO cop cars pulling over one speeder), but for some reason take HALF AN HOUR to get on the scene when a truck driver hit-and-runs a motorcyclist (I should note that you can get anywhere in this little city in 10 minutes or less).

Just to be sure, I get back in line and ask Window Lady to mark notes on my account that I did in fact try to make my appearance but that nobody would see me without my lawyer. Since she’s handed me the piece of paper with a speeding ticket on it, I ask her to be sure that the Continuance was filed on the correct ticket. She tells me no, it was filed for “that” ticket, insinuating the piece of paper in my hand.

“So my lawyer came in this morning and talked to you and filed a Continuance on the WRONG TICKET?”

“I don’t enter it, the clerks enter the paperwork.”

“But you are telling me that the Continuance this morning was filed on THIS SPEEDING TICKET – and NOT on the Cutting the Corner ticket?”


Step out of line, again. Call lawyer, again. He says he’ll check on it, that he was filling out the paperwork based on the information he got from the court, but that it could be changed. He will call the court and call me back.

He calls back and reads me the case number that he filed the Continuance on. It is NOT the case number of the speeding ticket – is the correct case number of the Corner ticket.

Back to the window. Before I can even open my mouth, she informs me that the paper I have in my hand on the speeding ticket is from the Prosecutor, that the case has been reopened because since I got a citation during my deferral, I failed to comply with the terms of my agreement.

“But I’m CHALLENGING the citation. It hasn’t been settled yet. I should never have been issued that ticket. It’s not my fault that I got a citation that I shouldn’t have been issued.”

“That’s not my decision.”

Whatever. My main concern right now is the stupid Corner ticket and the Continuance.

“The case number on the Continuance he filed this morning is the correct case number. The paperwork is right. Are you sure your system is showing that it was filed on the speeding ticket instead?”

“He filed that this morning.”


“It’s not in my system.”


I’m thinking, Shit. They’ve completely lost the paperwork and don’t know about the Continuance request. Now what? I’m past my court appearance time because, even though I’ve gotten here early, I just spent the last hour trying to make some sense out of this woman.

“You mean there’s no record of it?”

“Of course not. He just filed that Continuance this morning. I won’t have any record of it in my system today. It won’t show up until after the judge determines something.”


This is the part where I lose my mind.


Ok, I didn’t actually say all that. Remember the guy with the guns. But that’s what was going through my head as my hands started shaking and I began the breathing exercises.

(speaking very slowly)
“Ok. The deferral that was filed this morning…THAT’s what I’m here to find out about. The judge is supposed to make his decision on that during my court appointment time and all I’m supposed to do is listen to the verdict of whether or not he approved it.”

“Your lawyer has to be here for that.”

“Are you absolutely certain?”


“So there’s absolutely nothing I can do by being here right now.”


Nothing at all.


I can’t even find out about the verdict.”

“It’s not in my system yet. They’ll call your lawyer when it’s been decided. Then he can tell you.”


(blank stare)

I can feel the whole room turning to look at me. At this point I decide to take my lawyer’s advice and just leave. Slight sense of relief that the guy with guns didn’t follow me.

At the beginning of this day, my expectation was to have this entire matter resolved. Now that I was done, nothing was resolved. Nothing. In fact, the situation was worse than it was to begin with because now I have to mess with trying to get the DA off my back about the stupid speeding ticket too.

I returned to work and tried to explain to everybody what had just happened. I ended up doing a lot of yelling. I think they were entertained. Either that or trying to figure out how to safely get away from the crazy lady.

This is what telling the truth gets me. A ticket, lawyer fees, court fees, more court fees, much wasted time, and the complete and udder loss of my sanity.

Next time I am so going to lie.

New Sign

There is a new sign posted on my office door. It is a blatant warning to all who approach that if the door is closed, it must remain so upon penalty of death, screaming and object-throwing.

I am breastfeeding, or at least attempting to. (After a bout of food poisoning a few weeks ago, my milk supply has not been very adequate and we’ve had to supplement heavily with formula.) Anyway, doing so requires me to take about 15 minutes once or twice a day to pump, so that my daughter has a supply for the next day while I’m at work. Hence the closed door.

Today was the THIRD time one of my bosses has walked in on me with my shirt pulled up and my boobs exposed. THIRD.

The first time, Boss A kocked, I said DON’T COME IN, and he came in. He then proceded to talk to me as though he didn’t notice that I was trying to hide behind my monitor. I think he really didn’t notice. So I chalked the situation up to ignorance and blindness on his part and didn’t harbor any hard feelings.

The second time, Boss A repeated the above scenario and got yelled out of the office. I then had a conversation with him about the fact that I was breastfeeding and unless he wanted to see THIS EXPRESSION, he should not open the door. He agreed. We had reached an understanding and he has since stayed away from the closed door.

Today, I had the door closed and Boss B just opens it and comes strolling through. No knock, just open and in he comes. DOES IT NOT OCCUR TO ANYONE THAT A CLOSED DOOR IS NOT AN INVITATION FOR ENTRY???

The first time I didn’t think anything of it, besides grattitude for a well-placed computer monitor. The second time I was irritated. TODAY I AM PISSED. And even though it was technically his first offense, Boss B got an earful.

Just for clarification, I don’t work with any perverts. They really aren’t malevolent. Just stupid.

About Me

Hi. I'm Amy. I started this website in 2005 as a place to deposit my journal and photos. It has gone through a few incarnations and masquerades as a family site, but since I'm the only one who contributes to it, it's really all about ME, ME, ME.

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